1 May 2020

I am writing this as tomorrow would have been my due date. I feel so broken. I thought that writing this out might be therapeutic.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He suffered with Hodgkins Lymphoma around 11 years ago which has left him infertile. He had a very small amount of sperm frozen. 2 vials.

Last August we started our first IVF treatment. I was so excited. I have been waiting so long to be a mother. So much of my life has been focused on this, my whole dissertation was focused on being childless. We wanted to start sooner but encountered numerous delays due to CCGs and postcodes.

Anyhow, I was over the moon to get started and I remember just smiling the whole time, even while I was being put out for egg collection I wasn’t at all scared, just so hopeful, and again smiling so brightly when having the news we had 4 embryos reach blastocyst.

The embryo transfer day was so wonderful. I took such great care of myself I couldn’t have tried any harder to be careful. After the 2 week wait I couldn’t believe it I was pregnant. I was so shocked I bought about 6 more tests just to be sure. I’ll never forgot that feeling of bliss and excitement.

I started to have issues breathing 2 weeks later and was admitted to hospital where they found fluid on my lung due to severe OHSS. I was terrified of the impact on baby but kept being told it would subside. It would be ok. But suddenly my pregnancy sickness stopped. I felt something was wrong. I felt powerless. I would do anything for my baby but this was something I had no control over. But I hadn’t bled so kept thinking I haven’t lost the baby, it must be ok.

We attended the first scan at 8 weeks and the doctor told us that they couldn’t see the baby and it must have died and broken down in my body. We cried so much. They asked us to come back a week later just to be sure, but it appeared I was having a missed miscarriage, something I wasn’t even aware of. I felt so crushed.

At the 9 week scan our world flipped again as the doctor found the baby and a heart beat. This was 1 week before our wedding too. I finally felt like all our bad luck was leaving and we could finally start our lives. I finally felt like I fit in the world I had been wanting to be a part of for so long.

2 weeks later, 1 week post wedding, we returned for a check up. This time things took a turn for the worst. The baby was gone. This can’t be true. My husband broke down, I felt so shocked. This shock still hasn’t gone. I then had a miscarriage which required medical management.

On the way to the scan where they actually found a heart beat I prayed and I don’t believe in god. I’m sorry if that sounds bad, but I wanted any help I could get. I prayed that if the baby had to leave us to please please let me see her (I felt she was a girl). And I got to. I still have that scan picture and it means more than anything to me. I look at it every day. I talk to her every morning. I’m not sure if it is most helpful but it’s what I need right now.

This evening I found myself on this miscarriage support page. I am hoping that writing this will help me to express myself. And that others reading it will know they are not alone. It hurts so much. And I am sorry for myself and anyone else feeling this pain. The pain you feel is valid, the pain does hurt yes but it is a reminder of that beautiful life that you had inside of you, the experience you had and how your baby touched you can never be taken.

I can’t say baby’s name out loud and when I hear parents call after their child with the same name my stomach flips. My baby’s name was Maisie and I will love her for all of my life. Carrying her was the best part of my existence and I hope she is waiting to come back around again. I take comfort in that.

Our second round of IVF was due to start, but had been delayed due to COVID19. The idea she is waiting keeps me hopeful.

I love you Maisie.


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