2 December

The night before my first midwife appointment and early private scan. It started with spotting then onto watching the red raw blood drip into the toilet. I felt cold and nothing but numbness whilst all my happiest thoughts of 8 weeks of growing this little dream – half me and half of my husband drifted away. This cannot be happening to me, I haven’t done anything wrong ? I’ve been careful I’ve relaxed I’ve eaten well, why why why me ? For some days after my confirmed miscarriage my body feels beaten up, useless and my eyes are so heavy from the tears I can barely look up and down. Nausea is still there haunting me, I can’t bare to look in the mirror at my swollen belly or my veiny chest. I will never forget the intense pain 2 minutes before passing our baby while quickly grabbing any painkillers I can and crying for a hot water bottle to ease that feeling. That will live with me forever. As a week passes I don’t feel better but I feel strong and positive for our future and I know we can get through anything together.

 

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