1 September 2015

My now husband and I were blessed with a beautiful baby boy in Feruary of 2014, just over a year after we had been together. It wasn’t planned as such but he made us complete.

We married on 30th May 2015, and following lots of fainting and feeling awful, found out we were expecting a precious second due 16/03/2016. On the 1st September, I went for my 12 week scan. I was horribly sick first pregnancy but this time it had been even worse. In my head, I knew something wasn’t the same but I just assumed this one would be pink. My mum came with me to the ultrasound and when he said ‘How far gone do you think you are?’ and I replied with ’12 weeks’, he said he needed a second opinion. I knew then.

The words missed miscarriage were ones I’d never even heard of before. I cried. The worst of it was having to tell my husband, he hadn’t come as it was his first day in his new job. Texting me all afternoon with ‘Well, how was it?’ was really tough having to say ‘I’ll tell you when you get home’. We decided to try again as soon as I’d had my ERPC and I’d healed.

Two weeks later, a further blow came when I was called back to the hospital. My missed miscarriage was a partial molar pregnancy. Again, words I’d never heard of. I underwent monitoring and was given the all clear fairly quickly at the end of November.

Without really trying, we found out in February that we were expecting again. I’ve had lots of early scans and so far, so good. I count everyday as a blessing. Never did I think it would be me. Until you lose a baby, you’ve no idea what it feels like. From the physical and emotional pain, to the grieving, the funeral and special dates like the one I should have been welcoming Alifie into the world. Every baby is a blessing, no matter how long you have them for. It’s just a shame we don’t always get to meet them.

To mark the event, I plan to go to the place where he was scattered with all the other lost babies. It’s a very peaceful place where I’ve been only once since we said goodbye. I will light a candle and think of what he would have been like.

 

 

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