5 May 2019

The word miscarriage is so unheard of that you can’t ever imagine having to go through it. Being only 16 years old, miscarriages were the last thing on my mind but it’s something people need to speak more openly about because they affect anyone and everyone in so many different ways.

I never knew I was pregnant until it was too late and I’d already lost my beautiful angel. I didn’t think it was possible to become pregnant whilst on the pill but as I later discovered I hadn’t been taking it consistently at all and had done this to myself unintentionally. I brushed off my missed periods as just me taking the pill back to back, but in reality it was something so much more serious than that and I feel so stupid for not realising it sooner. I finally realised something wasn’t right when I started bleeding uncontrollably and passing through massive blood clots and I had the worst cramps I’d ever experienced. My boyfriend and I grew worried and in the end it was my mum who called me and asked me whether there was a chance I was pregnant/miscarrying. The thought had never even crossed my mind because I knew nothing about the symptoms of being pregnant or having a miscarriage but looking back on it, it made so much sense. For weeks before this I’d been feeling exhausted every night from barely doing anything, and I’d been experiencing lower back pains and feeling sick some days, but again being 16 I thought nothing of it and just brushed it off to one side.

On the 5th of May, after a week and a half of constant bleeding and pains, my mum took me down to A&E where I had an ultrasound and a pelvic examination, along with some blood tests to establish that I had in fact had a miscarriage.

The emotions that were running through me that day is something I’m never going to forget. I felt so so heartbroken and I felt like a failure, I had failed to keep my little angel safe and I had failed to even notice I was carrying a baby in the first place. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel so so guilty for losing you, I think about you everyday and imagine what my life would be like if you hadn’t of tragically left us all so early. My heart aches for you and I hope you’re happy up there, I can’t wait for the day I get to join you and finally hold you my darling.

Being 16, my parents took the miscarriage hard but they were mostly so so supportive and I love them so much for it. Me and my boyfriend actually spilt up 2 days after this happened due to the loss of our baby so I didn’t have as much support from him but I know he still cared so much about it all. I still struggle everyday to remain happy and positive but we’re getting there, one step at a time.

I may not have held you in my arms but I hold you in my heart forever and ever. I love you my gorgeous little angel and one day I’ll finally meet you.

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