27 July 2019

This is a poem I wrote…

You existed. 

A positive test was all it took,
To spark my light to bring me luck,
The day before your sisters baptism,
I felt so alone like I was in prison.

You existed baby, I knew you were there,
I just wanted to burst into prayer.
Please god, let my baby be okay,
Let my baby live another day.

Instead the blood began & my heart began to ache,
Is this happening for real or is this fake?
I felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from,
One second you’re there, the next you’re gone.

You existed, I knew you were there,
I just wanted to burst into prayer,
Please god, let my baby be okay,
Let my baby live another day.

As my GP requested,
I had retested,
From positive to negative is what I saw,
My heart still shattered as I opened the door,
To tell my partner our baby had gone,
Are words that should be said to no-one.

My heart is so heavy and so torn,
I have to live with the fact you’ll never be born,
I’ll forever feel guilt of pushing myself to hard,
But for now I’ll have to rebuild my guard.
“At least it happened early on”
No. My child was there one moment and the next they’re gone.
“Everything happens for a reason”
No. God had no need for this complete and utter treason.

The pain in my voice day in day out,
I just wished I could scream and shout,
Maybe I’ll fall pregnant again some time,
Trying to make sense of this senseless crime,

I cry every single day,
I don’t know what to do or what to say,
I have to be strong for my little girl and my man,
I have to be the best that I physically can.
For them,
For me,
For all to see.

I’m not just a statistic, I’m that 1 in 4.
I lost my baby and I have to live with that each and every day. Not having the actions or the words to say, I love you baby although we never met.

You existed, I knew you were there,
I just want to burst into prayer,
Please god, let my baby be okay,
Look after them each and every single day.
They’re my guardian angel now so all my faith is with you,
But most of all, please… Protect them like you’re destined to do.

I will always tell your sister about you. Always. She’ll always know she has an angel sibling.

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