18 and 19 April 2020

Dear Angel,

This has been a very emotional month for me. Since I got pregnant from you, my first little one in March 2020, when I found out that you exist I did not know if I had to cry or smile. I was scared and stressed out with my job and the situation with Covid-19, I was so happy that I want to everyone knows about your existence. Some family and friends where happy, for others was not the big deal.

When I confirmed with a doctor that you were really there, I was double happy, but ultrasound couldn’t be done because of coronavirus. Later of that week I start feeling that things are not going according to the plan because I started bleeding. I called my doctor, she always gave me hope that it was normal and everything will be ok. I have kept calling her because the bleeding start to increase and my only option was go to the emergency room because the doctor could not see me – because I had to wait to see her in May 11 2020 to check if you were a boy or girl.

I saw you in my dreams the day I was losing you, saying goodbye to me, you were beautiful, but you weren’t smiling. I wake up crying. When I went to the bathroom I felt something came out from my vagina and I ask your daddy to take me to the hospital. When they did the ultrasound the nurse never spoke and gave me a hot blanket, that confirmed me that you left early in our life. The doctor sent me home because it was too risky being in the emergency because of the coronavirus, and maybe in two weeks I can come back to see if you were still there or not.

That night I slept alone, and your father was suffering on the sofa. While he hears me crying, his heart cried, because of the pain of losing you was killing us while my body was removing you from me.

I really miss seeing you growing in my belly, but God knows why he allows this to occur and he always has better plans for his children. In all this pain I have been able to learn and be more grateful with life, with God and everything I have. To think that you my Angel left and I could not give you the world, but you now has something greater which is the heaven. You will be waiting for me there and I will meet you some day, meanwhile I must be happy because I know you wanted that from me. Yes of course I have a lot of pain and I had the desire to abandon everything, but if I stop dreaming, if I stop trying, that month and some weeks that I lasted with you in my womb and the happiness that it gave me while I had your great soul inside me, it is useless if I abandon myself in sadness and loneliness, will be in vain. I had learned so much more in these days of suffering than those days in the past I had stopped living.

I am glad that I found some good great human being who support me in the middle of this crisis – your daddy cried with me and support me all time, some family’s doctors from DR, USA from phone helped me. Those I can mention are Dayissell, Maura and Joan and some family and great friends.

Some people not seem to understand how it feels for me to lose you. It’s almost like it never happened for them, and people just expect you to move on with life and try again, but I believe in this: “Don’t give up. I believe in you all. A person is a person, no matter how small” ~ Dr. Seuss

May God bless you, my Angel, hope to see you in the sky when my time is come.

 

 

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