14 August 2019

I saw your heartbeat, and realised that your heart was going to stop beating. It was too slow, and you were too small. But I saw your heartbeat.

I would miscarry, like the last time and the time before. I wondered if I would feel it when your heart did stop.

My heart had carried me away with thoughts of the baby who I would love, who would grow into a child, and then an adult with my loving heart watching on. Instead a screaming vacuum as I miscarried. Again.

I will treasure the agony of how tiny and perfect you looked. I won’t ever forget. It was horror and love, and pain, and joy. I won’t ever forget.

I just have to work out where to put all the love, and hope and dreams now. They are threatening to burn me down as they fail to find you.

 

This year I will:

Learn to carry this with less pain.

 

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