24 January 2018

I will never forget the joy of finding out we we were gonna be parents on 03.12.2017, due 10.08.2018.

Unfortunately baby didn’t make it. I went for an early scan on Harley Street. I felt excited, anxious and ready to see my bubba! I assumed I was 10 weeks until I was told I was only showing as 6 weeks pregnant. Either my dates were incorrect or I had had a silent miscarriage… But I felt pregnant all that time!

I dreaded the worst had happened to me. I remember driving back home from Harley Street feeling heartbroken. Domimos couldn’t even fix me. Google couldn’t help. My husband did all he could to lift my spirits. How could I be so wrong in my dates? How had I been carrying a dead baby for so long and still think and have symptoms?

I decided, with my husbands persuasion, that going away on a hen do would help distract me. It did. I knew deep down, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. My symptoms stopped suddenly. I could eat and I was no longer vomiting. I still watched all my friends drink wine because I was hoping maybe I’d be creating a miracle.

On return from my trip, I remember being emotional on the Sunday. I was back to reality. A stupid argument triggered an emotion that I’d held for that week of waiting for confirmation. Poor husband (as always) had the brunt of it. I couldn’t stop my emotions. Everything came out. I had never felt so low. I felt so sad and alone.

Tuesday 23.01.2018, I started to experience period pain and mild bleeding. Something was happening. I went to seek advice, but it was a waiting game.

I went home to rest… And knew that my body wasn’t right. That night, I went for a wee and I bled. I bled like never before. I felt faint. And this was the start of my miscarriage…

I bled out a baby. My baby. My little bubba didn’t make it. I went through 2 hours of pain, with clots and cramps and pain like nothing before.

I didn’t need anyone to tell me. I knew. But I was still holding onto the thought of a miracle. A hope. I struggled with all day sickness for 3/4 weeks… I created happiness and new upgraded titles for friends and family…

It was confirmed. Missed miscarriage turned into an incomplete miscarriage… I opted to naturally bleed.

I am still bleeding as I write this. A raw painful reminder a week on… I feel empty, lost, sad, miserable and exhausted. This baby was a part of me. I am struggling to cope… All I see is prams, bumps and babies… You only see what you are so desperate to have.

I am overwhelmed by my army of support. My wonderful husband, my husband who has had to sponge my hormones and terrible emotional words and thought processes. Where would I be without him?? He has no idea what a pillar of strength he is to me. A rare gem.

I feel weak, I feel like my body has failed me. Everyone cries. Everyone hurts. But I feel heartbroken… I feel like I’m pushing myself to be normal. I don’t feel normal. I feel like the world is carrying on and I am in the slow lane…

I know I am lucky to still be in good health… But why did this happen to me? Why me? I have to carry this burden. What lesson is life teaching me? How much more am I to handle? Yes, I know that I will be fine and that, eventually, things will work themselves out. I know that what’s meant for me will always be for me… I know. But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together; because the shit life throws at me, gets a bit heavy, that’s all.

I admire all the ladies who have had to experience this terrible ordeal and have managed to come out stronger. You are my heroes! I hope I find strength. I am that 1 in 4.

To my baby… Sorry mum and dad did not get to see you. We will always wonder what you would have been. I didn’t get to carry you in my arms but I carry you in my heart.

This year I will: Try and find strength and reach out to people.

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