11 January 2021

I found out I was pregnant in May 2020. It was without doubt one of the best days of my life. We were having a baby! My husband would be a daddy, and I would be a mummy.

We decided early on to only tell a few people, so we told my Mum and my best friend. It so was exciting having this wonderful secret to keep and we talked endlessly about how we would announce the news to the rest of our family and friends.

Everything was progressing ok; my symptoms were strong (hello sickness) and while I felt tired, I felt fantastic. I was going to be a mum.

I started having light, rusty brown discharge about 2 weeks ago, which caused me to naturally worry. It was strange, it didn’t happen every day, and I wasn’t in any pain. I looked online, and I felt reassured that this was likely to be old blood and I shouldn’t be overly worried. As the week progressed, my anxiety heightened, maybe it was because its my first baby, so I called my local midwife for reassurance. I explained what was happening, and I was assured that because I was still experiencing strong symptoms, it was likely to be old blood. She advised that I keep an eye on things and call if anything changed.

The following week I continued to have the discharge on and off, but my sickness was extremely bad so I took this as a positive sign. I had my call with the midwife at the hospital I wanted to give birth at, and again she reassured that it was likely to be old blood, but again to keep an eye on it.

Last week; my discharge got heavier. I again spoke to my local midwife, who advised that I would only be scanned at the EPU if I was bleeding due to them wanting to restrict how many people were entering the hospital. Again I was assured that because I still had my symptoms it was likely to be old blood.

I had a GP appointment on the Friday for something unrelated to my pregnancy, however prior to my appointment I passed a large dark brown clot. I asked my GP about this, explaining about the discharge I was experiencing and she advised that she wanted to refer me to the EPU for scan.

I started bleeding the following day. It wasn’t heavy but I was bleeding. My husband took me to A&E who again said I needed a scan, and that the EPU would be in touch the next day.

EPU contacted me on the Sunday morning and I invited in for an appointment at 10.15am. I had to attend alone, leaving my anxious husband in the car. I was scanned, and they confirmed we had no heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. The sonographer and nurse were lovely, and both said they were sorry, and I truly believe they meant it.

I am now in the confusing early days of deciding how to manage my miscarriage. Manage my miscarriage, words I never thought I would ever have to say out loud or think about.

I can’t even say we are devastated. We are just numb.

We want a baby more than anything in the world. I just hope we have one.

If you are going through this or have gone through this I send you all the love in the world.


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