12 November 2020

I found out I was pregnant in September 2020. We were both in a bubble of early pregnancy bliss. Due to the ongoing covid pandemic, at this point partners were not being allowed at 12 week scans so we decided to go for a private scan at 7 weeks.

At 7 weeks pregnant I came down with covid so due to this we had to reschedule our scan for when I was 9 weeks. The day of the scan we were so excited. We went in and almost instantly my gut told me something wasn’t right. It was a matter of minutes before the sonographer said those dreaded words, “I am sorry but there is no heartbeat”. Then proceeded to tell us we were pregnant with twins but sadly there was no heartbeat with either baby. We were utterly devastated.

I spoke to the midwife and was offered an appointment at EPU to confirm the inevitable. I was scanned and it was agreed I had likely had a silent miscarriage as the babies had only grown to 7 weeks. We were told to come back in 1 week to be re-scanned, just in case. At this point they had given us some information to have a look at regarding either surgical or medical management.

We went home, numb and confused about what had happened. It felt even more surreal that I had no symptoms to suggest anything had gone wrong.

A week passed in an emotional but numb blur and we were back at EPU. They confirmed the miscarriage and asked me how I would like to proceed. We had already given it thought and the medical management felt like the best choice for us. I had made the mistake of going down the rabbit hole looking at stories online and found myself in a state at what I might have to endure. I read of women who were rolling around on the floor in agony, blood everywhere, the list of horrific things went on.

We had a chat with the consultant and it was decided I would have the pessaries to induce the miscarriage and I could go home to get through it there.

It took about 3 hours for me to start to get some mild period type pain and some spotting. This gradually got worse until about 8 hours after the pessaries first went in I peaked in terms of pain. It was truthfully very painful. But, it was not as bad as I had read. I was able to cope gripping a hot water bottle and the support of my other half. Once I peaked with pain, it only took about 30 minutes to pass the first twin.

The passing itself was not painful and as I looked down into the toilet it was obvious we had lost our first baby. I was glad we looked though, it shouldn’t be something you ever have to go through or see, but in hindsight I feel this helped with closure. I was so sad, but also relieved.

Within half an hour of passing our first twin my pain had almost completely settled and I was able to go to bed. I had bleeding, but nothing worse than a heavy period. I woke up the next morning to find I had mild period pain and bleeding, but that was it. As it turns out, our second smaller twin didn’t come until the next day. I didn’t get the intense pain this time, just some very mild cramping.

Over the next 5 days I continued with some bleeding and I was rescanned 7 days later to ensure everything had gone. Luckily it had. It was at this point I think I really started to grieve for the loss of of our babies. I sobbed most of the way home and for the next couple of weeks found myself crying a lot. But, I have a fantastic partner who supported me throughout and we both grieved together, not forgetting a very supportive family.

Now, a good few weeks on, I am still so sad but I also want to offer reassurance to other people going through this. I am someone who has been through a miscarriage at 10 weeks, with twins, during the covid 19 pandemic and it wasn’t as physically awful as I thought! For me the emotional side of the miscarriage was much worse.

If you are reading this and going through miscarriage please know you will be ok! Allow yourself to grieve and remember you will never forget but you can still have happiness again.

I still find myself having moments of overwhelming sadness and anger but miscarriage is so common and it’s not openly talked about enough. We kept our miscarriage quiet, only telling our closest family and friends but I have learnt that opening up for support is so helpful.

Every day gets a little easier and we are so excited for the day we will eventually get our baby, whilst always remembering how much we love our little twins no matter how short and sweet our time together was.

 

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