26 May 2009

I remember the positive pregnancy test and me standing in my bathroom in utter disbelief. My husband was at work and I wasn’t due to be at work until 12pm. I don’t know what made me test that day, having PCOS I was constantly reminded that having a baby probably wouldn’t happen and then there were two lines on the test.

The joy was unbelievable and continued every day until week 21 and 2 days. I had some spotting but thought nothing of it, the spotting changed to heavy bleeding so I rang the hospital, I was taken in to find that I was 6cm dilated. My mum held my hand in disbelief as my husband wasn’t available. 5 hours later I gave birth to my beautiful and tiny boy, he was perfect in every way, Jacob.

I still don’t know why I went into labour early and I will never know now, but I will always remember my boy. The days and months that followed were dark days, I felt alone and totally misunderstood. I had no one to rely on, to listen to me cry about how unfair it was. I was just told to ‘pull myself together’ and ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. The worst things anyone could say to you at that time. I was angry that it had happened to me, why me?

Eventually I healed and accepted that my boy was too special to live. Looking back, this was the moment my marriage fell apart. My husband couldn’t deal with the fact that having a baby with me just wasn’t meant to be…but life goes on. I went on to have more miscarriages in the hope I could give my husband a child, and lost a little girl two years later, on 11.12.2011.


This year I will: Take a moment to remember and never forget my boy and my other angel babies.



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