22 January 2019

I keep asking myself how can I be so upset over something I didn’t know about: you. But it is a pain that I think will remain with me forever and that is okay, because it means that we will remember you. I know we didn’t get to meet you, or watch you grow, but we can still imagine what would have been.

The thing is I was told that due to having polycystic ovaries it would be hard for me to conceive so we wasn’t even trying. But when I found out that I was pregnant, I felt the happiest and the most excited I had ever been. I was ready, and I didn’t realise it until then, but I was so ready to become a mum. Our excitement was short lived however, as the bleeding and the pain begun.

Do you know what hurts me now the most, remembering the excitement in my partner’s eyes and his smile when we found out that I was pregnant, so when the pain and the bleeding started I already knew that I wouldn’t have you. we couldn’t have you.

I felt and I still do still feel so guilty that I couldn’t carry you. I know it is nobody’s fault, it is just “One of those things”, but I feel inadequate.

Three weeks of pain and anxiety, lead to me having to have my fallopian tube removed, as the pregnancy was ectopic and my fallopian tube did rupture. But that is when we also lost you. As crazy as it sounded I wanted you to be able to survive even though I knew there would be no possible outcome where you would have, except for in our hearts and minds.

So this year we will hang a yellow ribbon on the miscarriage tree at our local park. Yellow because we will never know if you was to be a boy or a girl.

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