8 August 2019

I wrote this poem just now- it sums up my life at the moment, I wanted to share it in case it helps anyone else who is going through or been through similar.

Waiting

Waiting has been a theme in my life for too long
It’s only just occurred to me
It’s all I’ve been doing in 2019.

Waiting for ovulation
Weeing on sticks
Red line says yes- great- now get on with it

Waiting for period
Will it come this time?
Hopefully it will happen and I’ll get the two pink lines

Waiting for the pregnancy test to get darker now
Don’t know why I’m worried
Light pink is a go ahead
But waiting now for a deeper shade just for peace of mind- to confirm it’s my time.

Waiting now for an early scan
Booked one in and now £90 down
Scared so scared- don’t want to wish the days away
But want to know it’s true and it’s here to stay.

Waiting for the Sonographer to say something- why is she so quiet?
Does she not realise this is torture to lie here, heart beating, mouth dry
Can I tell by looking into her eyes?
Waiting- she said “it’s hard to tell, your dates are probably wrong and the baby’s too small”
“Come back in 2 weeks”
Wait for 14 days
Wait to know if I’m wrong about my dates or if I am carrying my dead baby instead.

Waiting 2 weeks I don’t feel mentally well- distract, distract distract it’s all I can do
But time knows I want it to move
I feel like I am in a new type of hell

Waiting again for the Sonographer to say what I’ve prayed since the beginning- what I hope is the way
But sadly no she turns to me and sighs “no Elisabeth there’s no growth or life”

Waiting in hospital, the Sonographer made me go right away
Waiting with other women around- are they going through this too?
Waiting- nurse says wait and see
Medicine should take effect in a day or 3
Waiting more than that now
No sign of what might have been
Getting really restless now this isn’t how I predicted my life to be.

Waiting for the bleeding to stop now
Feels like I can’t have anything left to give
Waiting to get my period
Waiting to feel courage to try
I can’t be so unlucky to have it happen again?

Waiting- I am back at square one
I thought I was cut out to try and now all I feel is numb

Waiting at the hospital this time what feels like eternity
Waiting- Sonographer again- so direct- can’t see much- come back.
Waiting to go back- Sonographer- a different one this time- so positive and cheerful
“There’s a heart beat- your fine” “Go home, carry on”
I know that it’s too good to be true- something isn’t right.
Waiting to see a Sonographer- she snaps at me and says
“Why have you come back if you’ve not bled?”
She is cold and clinical, I feel sick when she doesn’t say a word
Waiting, waiting, waiting for something- knowing its what I’ve previously heard
“OK so there’s no heart beat and the sac is oblong shape”
So that is it- I need to carry on and wait.

Waiting now for things to take shape- medicine on Monday
Nothings getting going
Looks like my life of waiting is destined to be my fate

Waiting for my body to accept its not meant to be
Waiting for my heart to fix itself although I can’t see this being true
I’ve decided enough is enough
I cannot wait anymore after this- and I am definitely through.

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