27 September 2018

I did not know you nor had I met you, but I’m lost without you….

I found out on Wednesday 12th September I was pregnant and on Wednesday 26th September at just over 6 weeks I lost my baby….

It was unplanned and my mind was a mess I didn’t know to follow my heart and keep the baby or to have an abortion. I was scheduled to have a cons for an abortion on this date where the father did not show due to an argument and my best friend came along with me. The hardest day of my life my boyfriend who promised me who would support me no matter what walked away this week the day before my abortion cons and at this appt. I felt isolated alone my friend has a beautiful heart and soul and I will forever be grateful I did not have to do this alone!

However, I was having a cons for an abortion and got told the heartbeat has stopped you have had a miscarriage, nature took its course and the universe took the choice away from me. In some aspects I should feel grateful, I am very against abortion and I was not 100% and I was so scared but another part of me feels I would have loved you more than anything I had a bond with you you was growing inside me even though I did not know you I knew I wanted to…

I feel this miscarriage is my fault I did not know what I wanted and now the choice was taken from me. I have lost my boyfriend of 2 years off and on and my baby in a week… I have never felt more alone in life then I do right now… Will I ever get over this? Is it your fault for a miscarriage? When I found out I did not smoke, not drink. I was not eating much and my stress levels were through the roof… Did I stress too much? should I have eaten more? Should I have exercised? What did I do?

I feel empty I am inside and I feel outside too. I just don’t feel complete anymore…. Anyone who has ever gone through an abortion or miscarriage my heart goes out to you because I never thought I wanted children until the day I got told there is no heartbeat… When the choice was taken from me I know I wanted him or her to be there…. As I lay my head between my legs when the nurse told me and sobbed my heart out I knew I wanted to go back in time and say and I would say to anyone in the world now it is YOUR decision! I get people ask for opinions and views everyone kept telling me “EM ITS YOUR DECISION” I did not understand why and how and what they meant… I kept saying whatever decision to keep the baby or get an abortion would be the wrong decision and would I be a bad person for it…

Life is a blessing and every heart beat deserves a life. Anyone reading this that is tempted to have an abortion I honestly urge you to think if I lost this baby due to a miscarriage and the choice would be taken would I still have an abortion? I know now in my heart. My heart told me to keep that baby and my head told me not to… Always follow your heart finances, jobs, people boyfriends come and go but that baby is yours a part of you a life you created. My heart goes to anyone who is suffering.  Love Em

 

This year I will:

This year I will try find myself.

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