10 November 2014

My husband and I have been through somewhat if an emotional roller coaster over the past 9 years, including nearly losing him to cancer. However the past couple of years have gone strangely smooth! My husband’s medical problems were at a low, our jobs were improving, we got ourselves on the property ladder, and were starting to think about starting our own family.

First step on that ladder was to sell our gorgeous little flat and look for a family home. Job done, and we couldn’t be more excited. So much talk about which room would be a nursery, how we would best sort out the garden for football games, and tea parties.

We hadn’t been seriously pushing falling pregnant. We decided that after the amount of chemo my husband had been through, it would take time, so best to leave things to happen naturally. Well 2 years later, I’m pregnant.

I’m not sure at this moment in time whether this next bit is a good or a bad thing – I had no idea. I didn’t have any symptoms, no morning sickness, nothing out of the ordinary. So I just continued with my life as any other person would do.

My parents invited us and a few other members of the family over for a BBQ on the 8th November. The day was going really well and everyone was in high spirits. Then early evening I started to get some really bad stabbing pains, and started to lose a large amount of blood. I tried not to think about it too much, and put it down as a bad period, and carried on with the evening.

By Monday 10th November, things had gotten so bad, that I booked in for an emergency appointment with the doctor. He informed me that there were two possibilities to what was happening, and one of those was miscarriage. I was informed to do a pregnancy test, and if it was positive then it was certain to be a miscarriage. How could this possibly be? How could he even come to that conclusion? How had I not already thought of this?

With a positive result, my entire world fell in around me. I was booked in for a scan, and it was confirmed that I was 13 weeks when my baby had to leave me.

This last month has been incredibly hard. I keep blaming myself, even though I know there was nothing I could do to stop this. My husband is going through his own grief, and as a result we don’t talk about it, and none of my peer group know how to deal with the situation – which is understandable. I know that I need to pick myself up, dust myself down and get on with life. Although I’m a strong and independent woman, at the moment I’m lost, and logic seems to have abandoned me also.

I will never forget the 10th November 2014. Hopefully that won’t be the last time I saw myself, nor it the last chance for us to start a family.

I am hoping that once I find my feet, I’ll be able to do something to help others find theirs!

On the 10th November of each year, I will light a candle for my baby that was needed somewhere else.

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