6 September 2019

Firstly I want to say how grateful I am to even be pregnant. But it has not been an easy road and has been one of the most difficult experiences I have had and a lot of that has been made worse by the current restrictions our hospitals have in place for maternity!

Let me start at the beginning, on 6th September 2019 (the day before our first wedding anniversary) we found out we had lost our first baby (missed miscarriage) and I needed to have surgery on the 9th… this was hell. I cannot even explain the heart break and pain going through something like this has on you mentally and physically.

I have never hated my body more…. it had completely failed my baby, me, my husband and my family and there was nothing I could do about it!

We had already booked to go to a spa break that weekend for our first wedding anniversary on 7th September, so as we packed our bags we cried, as we drove there, we cried, there was nothing in this world that could make it better! The spa trip was awful, I spent the whole time crying and frantically calling the hospital to cancel the surgery as I was terrified and Nathan spent the whole time trying to be strong for me and comfort me, even though he was going through the same emotional pain! Not how we ever imagined our first wedding anniversary to go!

Also knowing I was walking round with a baby inside me that was no longer alive will forever scar me.

In the weeks that followed I spent all of my time in the house (in pain and going through some not very nice physical stuff from the surgery) crying and binge watching TV! There was a night my mum and dad decided to come over and we were going to venture to the pub to get me out of the house, so I got my makeup on and some clean clothes… when we got to the pub we were the only ones there which was great!!! But then the waitress came over and was very clearly heavily pregnant… it was like a nightmare, was the universe really this cruel?? My first trip out and our waitress is pregnant, her body doing what mine couldn’t. Nathan, mum and dad were all sharing glances at each other and I can only imagine they wanted the ground to open up and swallow them! I put on a brave face and managed to get through the meal! As soon as we got home I went to the bathroom and cried for what felt like forever!

When I did eventually go back to work I had a complete break down and was signed off again as I wasn’t ready for the real world just yet.

It was then that I realised it wasn’t going to be an easy road and I wasn’t sure if anything would ever heal the pain! So I had to get on with my life and just cry behind closed doors.

Four months later I found out I was pregnant again, which was such a mixture of emotions as it’s what we wanted but I was also terrified. What if it happened again? Could I mentally and physically handle another miscarriage?

Then at 10 weeks pregnant… COVID!! I found out that Nathan wasn’t going to be able to come to the 12 weeks scan and I was devastated… this meant I had to go back to the same place where we found out we had lost our baby and I had experienced the biggest heart break ever but I had to now go back ALONE. I remember sitting in the waiting room fighting back the tears. What if they tell me our baby has passed again? But this time I’m alone as my husband sits in the car waiting to hear from me… thankfully this wasn’t the case and I finally got to see a healthy beautiful baby!

But the anxiety and fear does not stop there, I still have six months for my body to fail me, was all my head kept saying! My anxiety has reached its peak and I have now come to realise I maybe suffering from PTSD…

It’s extremely hard when you speak to other women and mothers who say they loved being pregnant and it was such a magical time… this couldn’t be further from how I feel.

Every day I would wake up just waiting to feel my baby move to know he’s still alive in there, this is by far one of the hardest things I have done.

Everyone always says ‘enjoy this time now as everything will change’, when my reality is I cannot enjoy this time now as it is extremely difficult and everything changed for me back on 6th September 2019.

As I said before it’s been made so much harder by the current restriction and not being able to have that much needed support!
I had 10 scans 4 episodes of reduced movements, been monitored 5 times, blood pressure monitoring and numerous midwife and consultant appointments ALONE!

You would think it get easier… it doesn’t.

Due to the reduced movements I needed to be induced at 38 weeks and spent 7 days in hospital, most of this was alone as my husband could not come into the hospital. He was finally allowed in when I went to the delivery suite on day 6, but after 30 hours of labour on the drip it failed again. All of the attempts to induce me over those 7 days failed and it finally ended in an emergency c-section. Over those 7 days I went through phases of beating myself up about how my body was failing me and my baby again. But after all of this I finally have my beautiful rainbow baby!

I have found reading other people’s stories comforting in my own way as I have realised all of my feelings are valid and it’s helped me to try and deal with what happened. I hope that sharing my story may help someone who felt or feels the way I did and can know we are here to help each other, thanks to this amazing charity.


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