5 November 2017

The pregnancy wasn’t planned nor was the immediate connection I felt to my baby when I found out, it was an instant love that I felt so deeply and utterly. I remember the night that I found out so clearly, I laid awake all night with a mix of emotions drifting into a disarray of dreams that I knew could never be, but in that moment it was mine, it belonged to me and I was so happy. I tried to imagine what my baby would look like. My green eyes? The fathers beautifully deep contagious smile along with his cheeky and kind character. I dreamt about it all, teaching my baby to walk, to talk and all the happy times we would share. Walking to school in the autumn with orange leaves falling around us, loving my child so completely. It was a dream that I didn’t know I had. I often go back there just imagining what could have been, but as daylight came so did the realisation that I had to inform the father.

That broke my heart, because I knew it would shatter the illusion I had just spent the entire night building in my mind. My baby so small, growing inside me. They were a part of me, relying on me to be their mother. Every part of who I was loved my baby more than I have ever been capable of loving anything or anyone else, but there were so many factors against me already, cultural differences between the father and I, his family would not have approved and it would have ripped his relationship apart with his parents. He is still at university studying and the fact that we had only known each other less than a month. It would have been a disaster. He was initially just as happy as I was, but reality set in and I knew what he was going suggest before he did. He couldn’t go through with the pregnancy. Hearing those words being spoken to me were the hardest words I have ever had to listen to.

How could something so beautiful be happening with such disastrous timing.

As I sat in the doctors office waiting for the pregnancy test to be confirmed, she spoke about “options”. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but I ended up leaving with a telephone number I felt was a direct line to the devil himself.

As I left the doctors I walked out into the darkness, it was cold, raining and bleak. It felt like I was walking into my future. I had no hope. I knew that he couldn’t have this baby and how could I be the person who destroyed his family? I was in an impossible situation. I wanted this baby more than anything, if circumstances were different he would have also. Fast forward a few weeks later and I’m sat with a midwife. Unsure what to do, I had this compelling urge to do as I was told by him, if I didn’t I would destroy his life, his family I could ultimately end alone. Could I go through with this? I was lost and already so alone could I bring a baby into this situation. That was when it was all taken out of my control, the midwife couldn’t determine if it was a “viable pregnancy” weeks of sickness, dread, tests, scans and hospital visits ensued.

Its all a blur really, but somewhere within that time I found out that I was pregnant with twins. The happiness doubled but so did the pain at the thought of losing them and just as quickly as I found that out, I lost my first baby. The pain is indescribable, no words can tell how much it hurts to lose a part of you. I secretly hoped and I secretly prayed that my other baby would be ok. I wanted this more than anything, but it wasn’t allowed. The father couldn’t do it, God wasn’t allowing it and it seemed no matter how much I wanted this my body didn’t allow it either. I was silently willing and hoping for some sort of magic to happen, to make this all ok. To change our circumstances, but no matter how much I willed it, hoped for it and cried for it my body just would not allow me to keep my babies. Was this a punishment for all my sins?

I was 6 weeks pregnant when I lost the second baby. It’s been 11 days since the bleeding stopped but the pain is still as sore today as it was the very first day I started to lose my babies. It’s incredible how much love you can have in such a short time. In those six weeks I spent with my babies, I loved them more than I have anything in this world. I spent every second of every day talking to them and dreaming of the future.

I look forward into my future and I can’t see any way of being truly happy again. I lost my two babies that I didn’t even know I wanted so badly. As each day passes the pain just grows deeper, its broken me and drowned all my hope and happiness. I hold onto the thought of them so tightly, the love that I had for them I will always feel.

The thought of facing each day without them hurts so deeply.


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