11 October 2020

I don’t really remember the first 3 losses. I just remember being sad for a time.

The fourth however, I had him in the bath yesterday.

I was 14 weeks pregnant, we were full of hope.

At 13 weeks I bled, baby was doing fine. I was told I had a small hematoma. It would probably resolve on its own. A week later I bled again, called the EPU and got an appointment for a few hours later.

“I’m sorry Holly, there’s no heartbeat.”

I don’t really remember what happened from there, a lot of information, a lot of leaflets and told to come back for an appointment 2 days later.

We cried. We were in shock. We talked. We even laughed.

I decided on medical management, I didn’t think I could go through this naturally again.

I had the first pill at my next appointment as they had been able to book me a room in the ward for 48 hours later.

I took the mifepristone and was sent on my way.

I woke the day after with bad cramps, and passed a huge clot, the cramping then got progressively worse. I called the EPU and was told if I started to bleed or the cramping didn’t subside to go in.

A few hours later, I was in agony, decided to take some pain relief and have a bath. I think I knew what was going to happen, and getting in the bath just felt right. I was in my own zone by this point, my fiancé pacing around, not sure what to expect.

I had our perfect baby boy in the bath.

We scooped him up after the initial shock of what had just happened had subsided. We stared at him, at how perfectly formed he was.

We called the hospital and they told us to come in straight away, even my fiancé, which is unheard of during Covid times. I’ve never been more grateful of anything ever!

We padded out some tuppaware with lots of cling wrap and my fiancé lovingly placed him the box. We said our goodbyes.

After the hospital, and after the post mortem paperwork was signed and I was discharged came the grief, and the guilt.

Our baby was perfect, my body was to blame.

The what ifs, the whys, the “its nobody’s faults”.

There has to be a reason.

So now we wait, and we will slowly come to terms with this as we have done before.

And hopefully, after our referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic we will find our reason and we will bring a baby home.

Until then, remember. It’s not your fault. Xx


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