8 December

Me and my partner have been together 3 and a half years and we always talked about having babies together – what their names would be, what they would look like, what they would be like – way before even planning properly.

We got engaged and 7 months later the happiest day of our lives happened, there were 2 pink lines!

We were so exited and over the moon! We knew the name if it was either a boy or a girl. Every week I would look at my pregnancy app and send him the information about the baby, the size it was and what it would look like if we had a scan. I took a picture every week of my belly as I was so over the moon I wanted to document everything so I could look back on it.

I had a funny feeling something may have been wrong as I didn’t have many symptoms, but thought ‘I’m just being silly, everything will be fine’.

We went to our 12 week scan, expecting to finally be able to share the amazing news properly to everyone, I even thought they might turn around and tell us it was twins! My heart sank when the lady did the scan, I couldn’t see anything and it should have been huge at this point. She asked if she could do an internal scan, I agreed, then our worst fear was confirmed. There wasn’t a heartbeat, the baby had passed away at 5/6 weeks.

I felt heartbroken, for 7 weeks I had been carrying a dead baby whilst I was waking around with the biggest smile on my face.

It was a missed miscarriage, my body didn’t realise the baby had passed away so was still growing and protecting it. It did make me feel a bit better thinking that my head and heart wanted this baby so much that my body clung on as long as it could for me.

The early pregnancy nurses were absolutely brilliant they were so kind and understanding and gave us all the information we needed and answered our questions brilliantly.

I decided to take the tablets to help the process as I thought it may help me come to terms with what was happening better and may help me with my grieving process. I had looked up and read peoples stories or heard people tell me what they have done and how it was. I was petrified. However it wasn’t as bad as I expected.

The pain was quite horrible to be honest, but I got through it and if anyone is reading this you will too. Walking around helped me, bending over and backwards, a warm bath and I listened to the sound of rain to try to relax me so I could get some sleep.


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