28 October 2014

Jenny's necklace to remember her two lossesThis would have been our second baby’s due date. We lost our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy in 2012.

Five years of infertility hell, multiple investigation operations, cysts removed, endometriosis removed, what feels like every test and drug under the sun, 3 rounds of IVF, losing a fallopian tube resulted in the most amazing news to finally be pregnant. We were nervous but completely over the moon. Having a pregnancy test turn positive after 5 years of monthly testing I cannot describe the feeling. It was a surreal moment that I will never forget. Being paranoid I tested every day to make sure I was still pregnant and the line was getting stronger.

Having had IVF meant that we were lucky to have early scans and see our long awaited babys fluttering heartbeat on screen.

The pregnancy wasn’t without worry and stress. I awoke one night to blood. We rushed to A&E thinking that our dream was over so soon. But baby survived and I had 2 weeks of complete bed rest as it was found I had a blood clot in the womb near the egg sac.

We tried not to jump ahead, but it was hard not to, we had daily emails updating us on how the baby was growing everyday, I did my birth plan, I bought the ‘What to expect when you are expecting’ book, my husband bought a miniature chair, we planned the nursery via pinterest. I even played music to my tummy.

I adored being pregnant. I adored feeding my growing baby, I adored the pregnancy symptoms.

We told our family our miracle news and my mum and I sobbed together. This was going to be an amazing year and an even better Christmas.

But our hopes and dreams came crashing down suddenly. During a scan we were told that our baby had died a few days before. Heartbeat had stopped. The couple of minutes that the consultant was trying to find the heartbeat felt like hours. I knew straight away that there was no heartbeat, and my husband was squeezing my hand in excitement seeing the baby on the screen, oblivious to the fact that there was no heartbeat. The tiny scan room suddenly became very hot and I thought I would be sick, when my husband realised, he came over faint.

The days that followed passed in a blur, an operation, the official miscarriage. I think my broken heart is still in that scan room. A part of me definitely died with our baby. Not only are we still mourning losing our baby, but we are mourning losing our hopes and dreams for the future.

This year we will mark the day by both taking the day off work. We are going to a spa so we can take a bit of time away and do something nice whilst thinking about our loss.

We planted a rose bush in the days after the miscarriage and my husband bought me a beautiful necklace with two hearts to signify our two lost babies, which I wear everyday. It feels good to carry something with me everyday that I can touch and remember our babies.

One Comment

  1. Sonia Deveney says:

    Oh Jenny, you’re incredibly brave and courageous. What you wrote is beautiful and heartfelt.
    I’m so, so sorry for what you’ve been through and can’t imagine how overwhelming it’s been for you both. The necklace is wonderfully symbolic and a lovely idea. I wholeheartedly hope your dreams come true in the near future. Lots of love to you and James, Sonia xxxxxxxxxxx