1 September

I thought I’d share my story with you, about why I joined the Miscarriage Association’s Miles That Matter challenge.

I’m now 100 miles in to walking a total of 500 miles in 100 days, and with a 3 year old and 1 year old in tow it really is a challenge, but most days I’m managing to get out on my own when my husband is home from work and it’s a very much needed bit of head space for me. We live just outside of the Lake District and we are getting out on some stunning walks as a family too.

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In January 2016 we found out we were pregnant. We were both elated, as were our families, but we were so naive. I had lots of pregnancy symptoms, but a few weeks later, on a Sunday, I started bleeding. A call to 111 and a phone call from the hospital later, they got me an appointment at the EPU for the Monday.

Not having a clue what to expect, but expecting the worst, we went. They tried to give me an ultrasound but it was too early on, so instead I had an internal scan and there it was, our little baby measuring 6 weeks with a “strong heartbeat” in the words of the doctor. We were given a follow up appointment for two weeks later, but we were elated.

Two weeks later and no more bleeding, still having morning sickness, we sat waiting to see our little baby again. The ultrasound worked this time. But then we heard the words, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat” and it’s like our world crashed down around us.

We were ushered in to a side room (but still through the waiting room full of pregnant women) to be told by a nurse that we were actually having twins and both of them had died. The smaller of the 2 only measured 5 weeks and wasn’t seen on the first scan, the bigger one had measured 8 week so had grown since the last scan but hadn’t made it.

So now we were hit with information and decisions to make. Leaflets (Miscarriage Association ones) and options of the next step… our heads were spinning. I decided I wanted to wait it out to see if my body would miscarry naturally but looking back this probably wasn’t the best decision.

I was hoping that we would go back to see how it was progressing and find they’d made a mistake and they would find heartbeats. I made myself so ill that two weeks with my thoughts. My body still thought it was pregnant, so even more cruelly I was still having morning sickness – also not helping my mental health. I didn’t actually get in contact with the Miscarriage Association as I couldn’t explain what was happening without crying. But I did a lot of reading on the website and social media, searching for other people it had happened to. I would sit for hours of a night reading and crying.

Another 2 weeks, another scan. I’d had no bleeding so we had to decide between medical management or surgery. The smaller of the 2 had been re-absorbed which I did find some comfort in. We chose medical management but then we had to wait a few days because there was no room on the ward for me, so I ended up going to a different hospital for this. This was surprisingly an ok day, the staff were lovely. I passed the baby, it was painful, but not as bad as I was expecting. Then we could go and grieve properly.

This was literally the worst time of my life I struggled every day, but we went on to have our first child, our little boy Stanley, the following January and he has healed me in ways he will never understand.

But I never settled in my pregnancy with him.

We had another miscarriage later on in the year. I thought I could deal with it and that I’d be fine as I was busy with Stan. It was much more straightforward than the first and my body did what it was supposed to this time. But around the time the baby should have been due I struggled a lot with my mental health and had to go through some CBT, but it helped me look at things better and I actually grieved the baby we lost.

Then later on that year I fell pregnant with our second baby, Elsie. We got so lucky, despite going through tough times. I still now look for support from the Miscarriage Association and whenever anyone tells me they’ve suffered a loss I point them in that direction if they’ve not heard of the M.A..

I just really want to give something back and help the M.A. continue doing what they do. Miscarriage will always be something so personal to me, I will always talk about mine. Thank you for everything you do!

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