14 October 2016

I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time and in many ways wish I had written it before.

On the 14th October 2016 we realised that there was an issue with our pregnancy and after 2 long weeks and lots of tests we finally found out that our pregnancy was no longer viable. That day I had to take medication to start contractions to remove what was left in my womb. This was the single most painful thing I have ever done, both physically and emotionally. We lay together on our bed and cried.

That was the beginning of a few very difficult months. The first few days after that we managed to make ourselves go out of the house every day and felt better after we had. We took each day a day at a time and looked after each other the best way we could. Some people came to see us and I had another 2 weeks off work. My husband went back to work in between at various points and had difficulty at work as he was met by a lack of understanding and tact from his boss.

During this time I felt anxiety in a way that I never had before. I went to meet 2 friends for a coffee one day and walking down the street and arriving there I was filled with anxiety. This was a new feeling for me. This eased as the weeks went on. I also felt really let down by some people in this time. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks and everyone knew why yet some people that I classed as close friends didn’t come to see me. This was something that I struggled with at the time. It still bothers me now but I have learned to move on and in some cases moved on from those people.

The first time I felt like I did something normal in a few weeks was a trip to Manchester with some close friends who I had seen throughout. My brother and his girlfriend live in Manchester so this was a trip I had done many times. My husband was at work so I went alone. Getting ready and putting on makeup was something I hadn’t really done and I felt very much that I was painting my face on and forcing a smile. I did it, I enjoyed it, everyone looked after me but I was glad to leave when we did.

Going back to work felt like a massive hurdle for me. I went in for a meeting on the Friday before I started back on the Monday. This was a good idea. I saw a few people and had managed to step through the door. On the Monday I went back to work. Many people gave me a hug and told me it was good to see me. This was the best way to deal with this situation. I felt that people cared without having to have difficult conversations. I found being at work extremely difficult. Many days I turned up really struggling inside, felt lonely and like I had nobody to talk to at work. I also didn’t have my own room so had no space from anyone and on some days I struggled with working with children who had been let down by their parents in some way or another. My mum said to me one day that she understood I was screaming with pain inside but appearing fine on the outside. This was exactly how I felt at work. Work presented its own challenges, Ofsted, a new class, new management. This was an extremely difficult time but I made it through and felt strong for having done so.

On a number of occasions, such as attending baby showers, people told me how brave I was. I didn’t feel it but it was comforting. One day before a trip to the dentist my husband told me to be brave. This stuck with me and again was something I found comforting. I learned to be brave! I found this better than being told how well I was doing etc etc etc.

This was an extremely difficult time. I will never forget my baby that I lost and I often think about what would have been. I did however learn a lot about life, myself and others around me.

When you’ve had a miscarriage many people will tell you that ‘’It will happen for you.’’ This really doesn’t help. That wasn’t my issue, I was grieving the loss of my baby. My advice to others would be to allow yourself to grieve, many people won’t understand this but the few that do will be invaluable, and surround yourself with people who show you love and care and try not to worry about other people. I wish I had spent less time worrying about my absent friends. In the months after my miscarriage many people said silly things to me and I quickly learned not to be upset by this but just learned that people don’t understand. I think this is something else that is important to remember. Nobody is trying to upset you but until they’ve been through it they will never fully understand.


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