15 April 2015

We found out we were expecting on 21 August last year, although a little shocked we were so excited and after telling all of our families we started to look forward and plan a future with a third person…. our beautiful baby.

In 10 short days it’s amazing how much you plan, how much you think about, I was already petrified that I wouldn’t be ready and mentally going through lists of names… What on earth would I name my baby? How am I going to tie this in with his poxy awkward Irish second name?? I had been to the doctors and I was 6 to 7 weeks gone and I couldn’t wait for my first midwife appointment and then how was I going to cope with the wait for the first scan a whole other six weeks away! I was so carried away I found myself overfilling at the petrol station and embarrassingly having to fill out a pink form as I didn’t have enough money to pay! I was beaming, I had waited for this for quite some time and although my family has filled up with grandchildren it was to be my partner’s family’s first grandchild so even more special….

The end of August came and I went to stay with my parents in the country for the weekend, I hadn’t seen my mum since telling her the news so I was excited to see them and talk everything baby/pink and blue. The weekend was lovely. On the Saturday night I noticed some spotting – trying not to panic I spoke to my mum and sister and after several conversations and Googling I calmed a little and put it down to naturally spotting.

However as the evening went on it got slightly heavier so my mum took me to the hospital, again nothing was too heavy so I was told to rest and keep an eye on things and return to hospital should it get any worse. We were due to go back home very early the next morning so we all were in bed quiet early. At approx 2am on the 1st September I woke up and knew the worst had happened I didn’t wake anyone I didn’t want to, I sat outside and cried as I saw everything I had wanted ebb away from me and I still had to tell Dad, tell everyone.

A few hours later everyone got up and I told my mum, she didn’t want me to travel back but I was now in auto pilot and just wanted to get home and tell my partner. When I got home my boyfriend insisted I go to the hospital, as far as I was concerned I knew I had lost our baby and didn’t need it spelling out but to keep him happy I went. After a lot of prodding and poking and blood tests the nurse informed me that my hormones were still high and my cervix was still closed….. a glimmer of hope …a chance that my little baby was still in there waiting to meet mum and dad…. After a lot of confusion and several days tooing and froing I was informed I had lost my baby on 6 September…After this everything is a blur, I felt my heart break inside me and everything I hoped and wished for had gone in a moment… Dad didn’t deal too well with it either and sadly we have had to go our seperate ways for a while.

The only hope I have now is that my little angels are in heaven shining brightly down on us and that one day I can have the chance to be so utterly happy again….. Until then I will just keep pushing on and be happy in the knowledge that my baby was loved so very dearly by many before we had even had the chance to meet.

God bless all of our little ones.

15 April 2015 was your due date, the date we were all looking forward to for the 10 wonderful days I knew about you before I lost you.

Me and your dad drove down to the beach where we were on holiday when you were conceived. Although it has been very tough for us since you left we had a lovely day walking along the beach thinking and talking about you, collecting shells and trying to make it a nice a day as possible. And the sun shone so brightly that day… It was almost beautiful ….Just missing one thing.

I miss you and all that you promised so much.


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