7 October 2020

07/15 our first positive pregnancy test.

11.5 weeks of nervously coming to imagine what life as parents may entail.

‘I’m sorry but nothing has grown since about 5w, you need to come back tomorrow for us to confirm’ (11pm in the one lit reopened room in antenatal by this point after waiting to be seen since 3pm).

A few days passed before we miscarried at home. Many of you won’t know what the word miscarriage actually means. I’m relieved you don’t. It’s different in all circumstances I know now. For us this time it meant significant blood clot loss (I’m talking 8 pints – I was soaked to my knees multiple multiple times), cervical shock, unconsciousness, blue lights & lots of shaking…

Home we went, very bruised.

3 months later little Solly was our next positive pregnancy test 1/16.

I bled with Solly at 6w and 10w which as you can imagine was utterly petrifying, but seeing his heart beating and legs fluttering gave reassurance and an unmountable feeling of love on both occasions. Gosh looking back now I travelled to Vienna, Scotland, Barcelona with 40 Year 10s!, the Lake District, Oxford twice & Sussex 🤯

Solomon was born 10 days late, Monday 3rd October 2016 having begun labour on the Friday night. The doctors telling us they’d lost his heartbeat. A lack of progression past 3cm & lots more shaking before finally after passing out and Solly’s heart rate dropping in and out because he was strangled by the cord, emergency c section… I genuinely couldn’t catch my breath I was so relieved he was here safely.

Breastfeeding hurts, no one warned me 😂

He is our absolute miracle blessing. We are so unbelievably grateful for that boy and he probably gets away with a few things he shouldn’t as a result 🤦‍♀️ we do try!

So fast forward…

Solly’s reaching 2.5y, shall we try for a brother or sister? Bit nervous after our first experience but ok.

Positive test no. 2 2/19… scan at 7w given our history; phew wriggly little bean 😍 hope. 12w all well again. Lots of extra appointments; growth scans and Vbacs etc. 1-2% chance of a problem occurring now… I think we might be having a sibling… dare we believe? 18w tummy growing, can feel wriggling, I never really got that glowy feeling in hindsight, felt quite a bit of pressure and some discharge… we were heading to Devon for a holiday… I’m sure it’s fine… mmm better call… can’t really walk… don’t panic baby’s heartbeat is really strong… oh goodness you’re in labour… you’re really unwell… you have sepsis… pop… iv antibiotics x10000… I need to get on my knees… not even 24h after arriving at Plymouth a&e we were holding our baby boy at 20w… but 40w before we should have been holding him at 20w. He was just as perfect as his brother. If I could have carried him for just 4 more weeks he may be here with us now. When I think back to that day I don’t know how we did it, although I do, it was God.

A memory box, some photos (thank goodness Megan 💞 helped us after we changed our minds), a me&you keyring, an aching arms ted, complete emptiness.

Sore full boobs (yep that still happens), a confused Solly. Hide. Hide. Hide. Family & friends ❤️ Back to Jersey. I’m sorry Katie, but some placenta is still present we need to do a d&c… such a blow. I was so sick and have never cried so many tears on waking. Reality.

Did you know funeral directors don’t charge for children’s funerals? I didn’t either. We were so grateful. They collected him from Plymouth and brought him home to Jersey where he was cremated. Questions you never want to be asked let alone answer like do you want to see him in the coffin? We took him back to Bigbury to the sea with his Grandpa 💙. Shattered: our lives, us, our hearts, our minds… as you can now see we have been changed irreversibly. We have reshaped but see the world very differently to most. I bite my tongue, swallow hard and put on a smile often. Although actually I’m doing it less. I think it is such a big part of us & I also want to raise awareness for others. We’ve met some amazing beautiful couples through our shared pains. These people are now some of our closest friends.

Katie were just going to do a laparoscopy to check all’s ok. That’s day surgery, two scars, those amazing family and friends of mine rallying round to support again. More pain. Monthly pain. Numb tingly leg, difficulty passing urine, sickness, exhausting.

Chapter 4; positive 2/20. No infection. Your hcg is rising. Your hcg isn’t rising enough. It’s dropping. We must wait. Can you come back for another blood test. Be careful of covid. I’m sorry it’s not viable. Can you come back tomorrow. We’re not supposed to because of the virus but we’ll find you a bed space and George can stay. Home. Miscarriages, as I mention above, are different every time. Quite a lot of pain, quite heavy, tissue & clots. Got to carry on for Solly’s sake. Did you take the pregnancy test again to confirm ‘what that I’m definitely not pregnant?’, ‘Yep’, great yes of course will do… Can you come back for a final scan? Me and that wand are such great friends. To think I used to be squeamish at a blood test!

You can’t try for a while now because of the virus ok?

One more urine test and some folic acid, progesterone, aspirin, a detailed care plan and lots of well wishes from our lovely consultant brings us almost to the current page…

So let me get this right this is your 5th pregnancy? G5P1… ok… and you don’t feel right? And the bleeding was light but now stopped? we could examine to see if your cervix is opening or if there are any clots? You’ll have to wait until Monday for a scan…

Five years. This isn’t where our story ends. Maybe another chapter will contain a sibling, maybe it won’t. Not every family is 2.4.

Not every family is us.

But please please please *be gentle & thoughtful* with everyone you meet. You just don’t know their battles and some hide a lot.

You know where we are if you need us; maybe that’s our God given purpose. 🤍

 

Sugary teas, chocolate bourbons & vegetable soup: my lifelines in hospital!

 

SO blessed 😌

 

This year I will: Tell our story for Baby Loss Awareness Week in the hope that it offers support to other families in similar situations.

 

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