11 August 2020

For the past 8 years it has always just been me and my husband. In September 2019, we decided to take the decision to try for a baby and took the approach of if it happens, it happens.

In May 2020, I found out I was approximately 5 weeks pregnant. Mixed feelings undertook us both – shock, happiness, anxiety, panic, excitement. After being just the two of us for so long, this was a lot to get our heads around.

We came to terms with this and started preparing for the future. At 8 weeks, we decided to tell our families by buying little announcement cards and sending them to them. Our parents were delighted.

It got to week 10 and pregnancy had been a breeze, I had sore boobs, a bit of tiredness, but other than that hardly any symptoms. A couple of days before my first telephone appointment with the midwife, I had a tiny bit of spotting. It seemed so insignificant because it had stopped almost instantly, I did not even mention it in my appointment. I did mention my lack of symptoms and was told I was probably just one of the lucky ones. My 12-week scan was booked in for a couple of weeks later and we were gearing up to tell the world.

The day after my appointment, the spotting restarted. Again, it stopped, and I did not worry. It restarted the next day, I then started to wonder if I should say anything but did not. It then started again the next morning, I decided to call the midwife for advice, who advised me to contact my GP who then referred me to the EPU the next day.

The night before my appointment at the EPU the bleeding got a little heavier and suddenly, my boobs stopped hurting and I just knew something was not right.

I had a scan the next day. “How many weeks did you say you were?” the sonographer asked me. She could not see anything so did an internal scan and told me there was something there, but it was only the size of a 5-week embryo. I felt confused, either I had got my dates completely wrong or the embryo had stopped developing at 5 weeks. As it is too early to detect a heartbeat, I was told to wait another 2 weeks for another scan.

I had light bleeding that lasted about 10 days in between this, and I thought it was all over, but the embryo was still there, still showing at 5 weeks. It was confirmed I had had a missed miscarriage.

This was a lot to get my head around, as in my eyes my whole pregnancy had been a lie. I felt so confused, angry and like a failure. I was all alone at my appointment.

I had options – to let it take its natural course, medication management or surgery. I asked for surgery but felt discouraged due to covid-19 so opted for the medication management. This was agonising, lots of cramping, shivering, sickness, and diarrhoea and another 10-day bleed. I had clots, including one big clot, so there was no reason to think this had not worked. Finally, its over, I thought. I did a pregnancy test 3 weeks later, and to my surprise this was showing positive. I contacted the EPU who advised me not to worry and to simply repeat this test 1 week later. Still positive.

I had another scan, and there was still some tissue left inside me. I was faced with the same 3 options. After lots of thought I opted for surgery. This has been dragging too long now and we needed closure.

One week later, August 11th I went for my procedure. The surgery was a success, but then my temperature spiked, I became tachycardic and my blood pressure dropped. I had lots bloods taken, and there was talk of transferring me to another hospital to have me seen under the gynaecology team. Luckily, it did not come to this. After 1 night in hospital, it was confirmed I reacted badly to the Misoprostol, the same medication used in the medication management that I did not take too well with either. I was discharged home and hopefully this is the end of our ordeal.

I always knew a miscarriage was a horrible situation to go through, but never realised it could drag on so long and be so traumatic. I have not spoken of my experience much and I wish miscarriage could be something we could talk about more comfortably and freely.

I do not know how I feel about future pregnancy now as it is still too raw, but I do hope one day we will feel ready to try for our rainbow baby.


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