28 March

The devastation isn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before.

Thursday 28th March, we suffered a miscarriage.

We had been talking about another baby for months and felt the time was right. When we caught first time we were so overjoyed. Our first time trying with our first son was just a dream, so getting caught first time again we felt so lucky and thankful.

The feeling I got when the pregnancy test flashed with the word ‘pregnant’ is just indescribable and I felt like I did before, I felt we would have another boy. Everything was going great and my symptoms were strong. We were just so happy.

I had spotted with my first pregnancy so I wasn’t alarmed when I spotted during this pregnancy. I just carried on as normal but the bleeding became more noticeable and by the Wednesday I was in panic mode and wanted to be checked, just to put my mind at ease. Everything looked good but I was booked in for a scan the following day. But things just progressed and I knew what was going to happen. I kept thinking ‘please stay, please let this be ok’.

Sadly my fears were happening. I miscarried at the hospital and was told the sack was empty and appeared to have stopped developing.

It. Broke. Me.

I had never felt so helpless and useless as a woman. Was it my fault? Was the trauma of my first delivery to blame? Did I not deserve this?

The thoughts you have are just saddening. I was apologising to my husband for losing our child. Why could I not have kept him? I felt I just wasn’t good enough and was being punished for getting caught so quickly when a lot of women struggle to conceive.

For days I just sobbed. The pain got unbearable and the bleeding got worse. Losing something you loved so quickly just breaks you. Doesn’t matter if you are 4 week, 6 weeks or later, you see that baby and what life would be like with them in it so to have it taken away from you so quickly is heartbreaking.

By the next day, all my pregnancy symptoms had gone. That in itself was so difficult to understand. How could I have been pregnant and happy just days before? I kept thinking what could I have done differently. Not only lost my child but I lost my husbands too. All I did was apologise to him. Telling people was hard. They didn’t even know we were expecting and yet we had to tell them this and that was so difficult.

I was lost.

I’d never felt as low as I did over the next few days. People having children all around me was difficult to see, I couldn’t even bring myself to congratulate someone on the birth of their child. What an awful person? I must be to not congratulate them. Was I cold hearted? Was this normal? I had no idea as miscarriage isn’t something that is spoken of. Yes I was told its common and ‘oh you can try again’ etc BUT that’s not what you want to hear at that moment. It did not make me feel better in anyway.

Telling close friends and family gave us both the support we needed to come to terms with losing our child because that what it was, our child. I don’t think I could have overcome this without such a supportive, loving, caring husband and strong network of family and friends. Credit is never given to the man during this as everyone is focusing on the woman. My husband was hurting yet made sure I was doing better, making sure I didn’t need anything, he put me before himself and his feelings and what a lucky person I am to be married to such a caring, unselfish man.

We will never forget what could have been but knowing we had support and people who would listen made it a lot easier than I expected.

I’ve realised I’m a lot stronger than I ever imagined and it just wasn’t meant to be this time but we look to our future knowing we have all the love and support we could ever need.

Miscarriage IS common and absolutely heartbreaking and if you have ever suffered a loss like this just know there ARE people there to love, help and guide you in the hope you gain your strength and trust in your future.

You will always be our what if. We will just remember as best as we can, together.

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