27 February 2020

Kelly kindly shares part of her story below, with her full story available here.

The 25th February soon came round, I woke up so excited to finally see my baby on the ultrasound screen and hear its little heart beat.  The scan was booked in for 11am and I left work around 10am.  Before leaving I thought it would be best I went to the toilet. However upon doing so I was instantly worried.  I had cramps earlier in the morning but thought nothing of them, however whilst on the toilet I noticed I had passed a small amount of blood.  I left the toilet and told my manager I had to leave work now as I was worried about the baby.  I left work and began to drive to get my partner so we could go to the hospital.  As I was driving I felt a huge sense of concern over me, I was trying not to cry.  I remember my partner asking if I was ok when he got in the car, he said I looked like I had seen a ghost.  I told him my concerns and he tried to make me feel ok and cheer me up.  After all it is common for women to have spotting during the first trimester.  When we finally arrived at the hospital I tried to put my concerns to the back of my mind.  I began to pray for my baby, hoping everything would be ok.  My partner and I sat in the waiting room for my name to be called.  Not long after we had sat down a nurse came out and said my name.  I couldn’t wait to get onto the bed and see my baby on the screen.  I was beginning to get emotional as I laid on the bed.  The nurse put the ultrasound probe on my stomach and I was waiting for her to say everything was fine and our baby was healthy, however she was having trouble finding the heartbeat.  My heart began to sink, but then the nurse told us not to worry, this is normal it just means she will need to do an internal scan.  As I began to undress I was shaking,  I knew something was not right.  As I laid back down on the bed, I was worried.  Time seemed to pass so slowly.  The nurse turned back to my partner and I and said ‘I am so sorry but your baby has passed away, there is no heartbeat’  I instantly broke down,  I could barely breath, I was in hysterics.  Those are words no mother or father should ever have to hear.  I couldn’t believe what she was telling us, there must be a mistake, I felt like I wanted her to just check again to make sure.  Once I had eventually got just enough strength to get dressed again I stood up and had to walk into another room with a nurse who explained what will happen next.  I felt numb, there were other pregnant women in the waiting area who I could barely look at.  Just looking at them made me cry, I just could not stop crying.  I had so much running through my mind.  Why me?  Will I ever be able to have a baby? What if my body was not healthy enough? Will I ever get to hold my own child?  What if there is something wrong with me?  The questions were just endless.  I remember thinking to myself ‘I wish I could give you some of my heart little one’.  I felt hopeless, I couldn’t do anything to save my baby.  Although I knew I would never get to hold my little one, I had developed so much love for them.  My heart just felt broken. Today was the day my partner and I planned to announce our exciting news to the world, but instead we had been given the worst news of our lives.

The nurse went on to explain she had booked me another ultrasound appointment for two weeks time, the 10th March.  This appointment would be to make sure what they were seeing today was accurate, if it was they would then perform a medical procedure to clear my womb of the pregnancy.  This then gave me the slightest glimmer of hope.  I began to pray for my baby, maybe the heartbeat was just not strong enough.  Miracles can happen, they can!  I had to hold on to something.

I remember leaving the hospital just feeling lost, so numb, like someone had taken a piece of me.  My heart had never ever felt so broken in my life.  This was not like a heartbreak in a relationship, this was more, so so much more.  My baby, my first child was not ok and was still laying there inside of me.  I think knowing the baby was still there made me worse, it made me mourn more.


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