You Two
The first sign was the pain
A stabbing in my guts
It radiated down my legs
Felt like a million cuts
We had no idea you were there
Too small to even know
So we did no preparation
You had no safe place to grow
By the time we learned about you
You’d already taken leave
And taken so much of me with you
Leaving a mess of pain and grief
Grief I felt I had no right to
It was my fault that you’d gone
I’d been drinking, dancing, smoking
I’d done everything all wrong
But I tried to slap a smile on
Like I’d learnt to years ago
And said next time will be different
Because next time I will know
Next time came round so quickly
I wasn’t ready if I’m honest
But I‘ll make sure I do everything right
I’ll keep you safe, I promised
So me and daddy got to planning
We couldn’t wait for you to come
Our whole world had started changing
We were becoming your dad and mum
The happiness was fleeting
A few short weeks were all
Then came the radiating pain
I remembered from before
No. Not again, please
It can’t be, I’m sure
The nurse said last time was bad luck
It only happens to 1 in 4
But sure enough you left us
In the middle of the night
And I was no longer mummy
And I’d done nothing right
“It’s not your fault” I’d hear again
But how could they not see?
I’d ran up the stairs and bent down in the shop
All the blame was on me
I had never felt so broken
My body had betrayed me
How can I go on living in
The thing that killed my babies?
And for what purpose anyway?
How could I live happily?
When all I’ve ever wanted is
My very own family
Daddy wants to try again
He says “next time will be different”
But I’m not sure he can trust me
With someone so small and innocent
Maybe daddy will move on
And find a mummy that’s not broken
There’s so much pain inside him too
And most of it unspoken
They say one day I’ll feel better
And I pray to god I do
It feels like those who once cried with me
Have forgotten about you
But I’ll remember you two always
And mourn the life that never was
And in my heart I’ll cradle
My Angel babies up above.