16 March

You Two

 

The first sign was the pain

A stabbing in my guts

It radiated down my legs

Felt like a million cuts

 

We had no idea you were there

Too small to even know

So we did no preparation

You had no safe place to grow

 

By the time we learned about you

You’d already taken leave

And taken so much of me with you

Leaving a mess of pain and grief

 

Grief I felt I had no right to

It was my fault that you’d gone

I’d been drinking, dancing, smoking

I’d done everything all wrong

 

But I tried to slap a smile on

Like I’d learnt to years ago

And said next time will be different

Because next time I will know

 

Next time came round so quickly

I wasn’t ready if I’m honest

But I‘ll make sure I do everything right

I’ll keep you safe, I promised

 

So me and daddy got to planning

We couldn’t wait for you to come

Our whole world had started changing

We were becoming your dad and mum

 

The happiness was fleeting

A few short weeks were all

Then came the radiating pain

I remembered from before

 

No. Not again, please

It can’t be, I’m sure

The nurse said last time was bad luck

It only happens to 1 in 4

 

But sure enough you left us

In the middle of the night

And I was no longer mummy

And I’d done nothing right

 

“It’s not your fault” I’d hear again

But how could they not see?

I’d ran up the stairs and bent down in the shop

All the blame was on me

 

I had never felt so broken

My body had betrayed me

How can I go on living in

The thing that killed my babies?

 

And for what purpose anyway?

How could I live happily?

When all I’ve ever wanted is

My very own family

 

Daddy wants to try again

He says “next time will be different”

But I’m not sure he can trust me

With someone so small and innocent

 

Maybe daddy will move on

And find a mummy that’s not broken

There’s so much pain inside him too

And most of it unspoken

 

They say one day I’ll feel better

And I pray to god I do

It feels like those who once cried with me

Have forgotten about you

 

But I’ll remember you two always

And mourn the life that never was

And in my heart I’ll cradle

My Angel babies up above.

 

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