6 February

On 6th February we found out we were going to be parents, we were overjoyed with the news and couldn’t believe it! Over the next coming weeks we began talking about our future and planning. I had times where I was nervous, excited and impatient, I just wanted to get to my first scan, feel the baby kick, hold them in my arms. I wondered what they would be, a little boy or girl, what would we name them… So many thoughts and feelings developed in those few weeks and I felt the best I’ve ever felt, so happy and complete. 

 

What I wasn’t prepared for was what came next… We went for an early scan, I wanted to make sure everything was ok and I was impatient to meet our little one. The sonographer was lovely and did a scan and said she could see a pregnancy sac but not much else, but it could be the dates were wrong and to come back in 10 days. At this point I started to doubt things and started to worry, but with the support of my husband the time passed and the second scan was here in little time…

 

The moment I saw the screen I could see the image was similar to what it was last time and little development had taken place. The sonographer used words like “blighted ovum” and “missed miscarriage”. I was so calm I understood everything she said, but I couldn’t feel a thing, no sadness just emptiness. We went to the EPU and they said they wanted to give it another week before they would confirm miscarriage. This was the hardest week. I had to go to the hospital every 2 days for bloods to be taken to measure the HGG, which was still rising. I was told there was a chance it could be ectopic.

 

The week seemed to drag and I felt devastated walking round feeling pregnant but knowing my baby wasn’t developing. I cried alone in the shower or in my husbands arms feeling like my body failed me. I’ve never hated myself so much, feeling useless and alone. I’ve never felt so self conscious. I felt angry that no one talks about miscarriage and the process and it’s not like you see it on movies. I’d had no bleeding so how could I have a miscarriage .

 

I finally felt like life had broken me for a few day,s but I soon realised I have so much to be thankful for – I have a home, a loving husband and family and friends around me. Although feeling like I lost my dream of having my baby I realised I can’t stay sad, I can’t give up. Life will always be challenging but I can’t stay sad forever. I have to carry on for my family and for myself. 

 

When the week finally passed and they confirmed the miscarriage, I was so strong. There were no tears, no pain all I was left with was numbness, and knowing that this process was nearly over is all I could cling to. They gave me medication which started the process of miscarriage and it was then that I actually started to feel like I could breathe. 

 

1 in 4 people have a miscarriage and that is only those who seek medical advice and we know about. It’s more common than we think and although I knew the numbers I never thought I would be one of the 1 in 4.  My baby was only part of me for 7 weeks and 5 days but I don’t regret any of it. It showed me how much I want this and I know it will happen it’s just not the time right now.

 

During a miscarriage you feel isolated and alone because no one talks about it but that’s slowly changing and I want our journey to be part of that change. 

 

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