1 September 2016

It was the day after I had taken this photo to celebrate my growing tummy, September 1, 2016, that I found out that I would need to have a D&E procedure done at 15 weeks pregnant.

It was also the day that I planned to tell my family the happy news of my pregnancy, but before I could, I got a call from my doctor’s office that would change everything. This would be my third pregnancy loss and second time requiring a procedure. I’ll never forget the feelings that ran through me in those moments after the call. I felt… broken inside and I was heavy with grief.

As devastating as it was, it was also this pregnancy that would be a turning point in my life and lead me down an incredible path to sharing with others what I’d ultimately learn about life, love and God.

I think the biggest questions I had were:

Why did this happen?

How will I possibly get through this?

And how can I heal and move forward, when, at the moment, I have no idea how I will possibly ever be the same again?

I felt the need to answer these questions—not just on a physical level, but on a spiritual level, and share them with others.

This is my story and what I believe the answers to these three questions are.

Loss #1: “There is no heartbeat.”

Those words echoed in my mind for a long time. I was 12 weeks along when my missed miscarriage was discovered. I cried every night for a long time after finding out. After my D&C procedure, I felt empty, defeated and in a good amount of pain both physically and emotionally. Each day was a reminder that I was no longer pregnant. It took me months to find my new normal.

Loss #2: “There is no heartbeat.” (Again)

My second pregnancy loss ended again with no heartbeat at eight weeks. And at this point, I felt like my life was playing a cruel joke on me. After a few months of obsessing about getting pregnant again, I finally came to a point of mental and emotional exhaustion that I decided to relinquish control and allow God to take over.

This would ultimately be the #1 step I took to healing.

Rather than obsess month after month, I decided that I would do my best to take positive actions toward moving past my grief. And when I did, I began to notice how my relationships got stronger, my body healthier and I began to have vivid dreams of having a healthy baby. Nearly a year later we had our first child—our first rainbow after our storm.

There was still more, however, that I was meant to learn through loss.

LOSS #3: DISCOVERING THE ANSWERS

My third pregnancy loss was a turning point for me. It was this day, September first in 2016 that I discovered I would need to have a D&E procedure within a matter of weeks when I was 15 weeks along. I was devastated and cried the heaviest tears.

It took quite some time, but I eventually came to a point of acceptance and complete surrender to God. I completely let go of my desire to control what I couldn’t, and I put my faith in a greater plan.

Upon surrendering, I went through a series of incredible, life-changing steps that would ultimately lead me to a greater understanding of how we can co-write our life story with God. It would also lead me to being able to have our second child—our second rainbow.

THE STEPS I TOOK

ONE: I fully allowed myself to feel the grief and emotions as they came, and I sought out support from those who experienced similar forms of suffering.

TWO: When I was ready, I accepted that God had a different plan for me.

THREE: I asked for guidance from God. I got clear on the type of life I wanted to live, and I offered this vision up to God. As a part of this vision, I declared that I was open to a life of greater purpose in whatever way I was guided.

FOUR: I took positive actions toward healing and moving on from these experiences. Spent time with family and I focused on my physical, mental and emotional health.

MY ANSWER TO WHY

I believe that, perhaps, the best answer to why we have these experiences, is that through them, we have the opportunity to make significant transformations in our life, from the inside out. That we find a new awareness within ourselves, and because of that, the things around us begin to change.

I believe that when we put our full faith in a Greater Plan and in ourselves, we have the greatest starting point by which to begin healing.

I believe that when we harness our thoughts, so they don’t cause us further suffering in these times when we recount what happened, and we can focus instead on a solution to our suffering, we can begin healing.

I believe that when we take action in our life in a loving way where we can take steps to heal ourselves as well as help those around us, we can begin healing and shift our life in truly profound ways.

To hear my full story, visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwFjK1PKD4w&t=129s

 

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