16 June 2016

This will be my third recurrent miscarriage now after having my little boy; born prematurely at 27+3 weeks. Having already lost two babies in early pregnancy, I didn’t want to get my hopes up this time round, but as the days turned into weeks and weeks become months I started to become more and more hopeful that this was third time lucky and me and my partner were going to be a mummy and daddy again and Noah was going to be a big brother. The excitement started to set in. I began to plan for the future; moving house, what pram to buy, what products to use etc.

Because of medical complications and the circumstances in which Noah was born into this world, I was classed as a “high risk” and they wanted to scan me as early as possible to make sure things were progressing as they should be. On the 7th June 2016 I was given my first scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit. I would have been 8 weeks according to dates. I was so excited to go for the scan, I wasn’t expecting to see much, but just being able to see a little blob on the screen would make it feel more real. The day arrived. I laid on the bed anxiously while the sonographer did an internal scan.

The room went silent. It was at this point the doubt started creeping back in. I knew it couldn’t be positive from the look on her face as she looked around. ” The baby is measuring quite small and I can’t find a heartbeat,  this could mean your dates are not accurate or it may mean the pregnancy has stopped progressing we will scan you again in 10 days time to see if there has been any changes”.

Them 10 days were the longest days of my life. I couldn’t help but set myself up to expect the worse, which now I think was probably a good thing because when I was told ten days later (16/06/2016) that there was no change and it wasn’t good news, it didn’t come as a surprise. Having someone confirm your worst fears came with a great sense of loss. Although deep down I knew that would be the outcome, it hurt so much more having someone say the words “you are having a miscarriage”.

So many thoughts go through your head. You feel so lonely and disconnected from the world and you begin to ask yourself – Am i over reacting ? This feels like the end of the world, but is it really ? The reality is, miscarriage is very common with around 1 in 4 pregnancies ending this way, but it is a massive taboo to talk about it. People don’t seem to fully understand your loss or know what to say. The fact is I have lost a baby. At one point this baby did have a heartbeat and although i will never find out, the sex of my baby would have already been determined.

This year I will try again for a baby. Get back in the gym and focus on getting my fitness up with the aim to take part in the Great South Run to raise money for pregnancy and infant loss and break the taboo on this subject.

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