1 March 2019

My name is Natasha and the day my story started was the 1st March 2019.

I had a miscarriage. It is the hardest thing I have had to say but it has got easier to be open about it. You feel like everyone is looking at you when it happens yet most have no idea what you have just been through.

I miscarried at 6-7 weeks but only found out when I should have been 9 weeks. This was my second pregnancy as I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. We were so excited to be pregnant again and I had suffered with Post Natal Depression so it took a lot, through CBT to anti-depressants, to get me back to a good place.

We were so happy to be pregnant again and I also found out my colleague at work was also pregnant, just 1 week in front, so that was exciting!

At around 5 weeks I started to get a lot of strong shooting pains and with having anxiety. I thought I’d best get checked. Our local EPAU were very reassuring and kind. They took my bloods and did a scan. They could see a pending pregnancy and weren’t worried. I went in the next day for follow up blood tests to check the HCG levels where increasing.

Later that day I received a call. Unfortunately my HCG levels hadn’t doubled, suggesting a miscarriage was imminent. I was devastated. We had to wait 5 days until they could scan me again. When I went back for my scan, we were so scared until ‘We have a little baby and strong heartbeat here!’ We were so relieved!

A week later I started to get strong cramps again, similar to contractions. After a couple of days, I found a small amount of brown discharge. I tried not to worry and left it. Two days later I saw a bit of blood. I had bled in my 1st pregnancy but all was OK so I called EPAU who again weren’t overly worried but they asked if I could go in.

I laid on the bed so anxious to hear news & felt like I was wasting their time. I looked at my husband who knew what they were looking for. His face started to tell me a different story and grabbed my hand. The sonographer put her hand on my knee. Both were in silence. I just knew at that point I was about to hear the worst news possible.

“I am so sorry, we can’t see the heartbeat anymore, your baby has died”. I threw my hands over my face and screamed. I felt like a little girl. I sat up and said ‘Are you sure? Please can you double check?’ She kindly showed me & explained.

This was a nightmare I was praying to be woken from. I don’t think I listened to the nurse telling me the next steps. I got home and the first thing I saw was the scan picture of our baby a week before. I was completely heartbroken.

Within 3 days I was back in hospital to have surgery. I felt so angry. Why me? Was it something I did? I questioned myself constantly. The hardest part was comforting people who came to give us their condolences! That was very confusing to me who was grieving.

I felt like time should have stopped for a while for us & like people had forgotten. Did they know what I’d just been through doesn’t just go away? It’s hard to think logically in those times as everyone does have you in their thoughts, but they also have their lives to lead.

6 weeks later I still dream of what could be. Both my husband and I have supported each other strongly through this and we have continued to do so.  My colleague is moving on to have a wonderful pregnancy and I am so happy for her. I do feel envious, but we are both on different journeys and we hope to try again. I have made a memory box to put in our scan, pregnancy tests, a letter I wrote and a little card my daughter drew.

The day after the miscarriage, our daughter lay in our bed and randomly shouted ‘Fairy! It’s Mummy’s Fairy!’ She continues to tell us where our fairy is. The strength & comfort from remembering that has helped us to be strong and take those small steps to move slowly on, not forgetting our loss.

When people ask me how many children I have, I say I have a daughter who is 3 and one who just couldn’t be with us but is in our hearts.

The way we will remember is having a memory box of all the little items we have so that we can show our daughter as she grows, with pride that she has another sibling with wings. We also have a little heart plaque at home so that they will always be a part of us. “I carried you for a moment but will love you for a lifetime”.

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