19 September 2019

Hello I am Nikita, I am 20 years old and I am here to tell my story about the happiest weeks of my life and then the worst one. You don’t expect to fall in love so quickly with this tiny life inside you but you do. You and your partner sit there and think about the future whether the baby was planned or not, having created a life all those talks about having a family and what names you would have, you have already started looking at and planning all of the things you want to get and the future you’re going to have, for it all to be taken away from you… and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

If I could have swapped places with my baby I would have but I couldn’t, I would have done anything to change the outcome but there was nothing I could do.

The second after you see that second line on the pregnancy stick you know your whole world is now focused on that one thing. You stop all of your usual antics, the casual drink when you go out for dinner, you stop eating the foods you love and your changing body doesn’t fit in to the size 6 denim skirts that you tried your best to squeeze into, but you are okay with all of that, who needs that materialistic stuff. You are now going to be a mummy. You’re going to have a family, well you was meant to but now all those plans and all your happiness is stripped away from you.

So here it is, my story.

Lets start at the happy part, the days leading up to my period I felt strange. I knew that there was a possibility of pregnancy. I was never late, I looked back at my flo app and saw that the date me and my partner…well you know… Anyway that was the date my ovulation was the highest… so there was a strong chance, everyday I was waiting to come on my period (not actually wanting to come on) to find out if I was or not. The anticipation everyday was unimaginable I was trying to ignore the possibility but I couldn’t, I felt different. I just knew.

On the 31st July I was getting too impatient so while I was at work I went and brought one of those cheap tests from Wilkinsons as if I was wrong then at least I didn’t spend loads on a test for disappointment. I took it back to work and I done the most important pee I think I have ever done in my entire life. I waited and waited and there it was the faintest of faint lines but it was there, I knew I was pregnant but as it was so faint I wanted confirmation. So I waited until the next day and went and brought one of those super expensive Clearblue tests. I waited and waited for what felt like forever and then it showed… Pregnant 1-2 weeks. My last period was on the 29th June. So according to the doctors I was 4/5 weeks.

I cried my eyes out. I was so happy. I Facetimed my partner. I called my mum and my dad and I was in pure shock even though I expected I didn’t think I was right, I was pregnant and from that point on my life was changed forever.

I got home and hugged my boyfriend, talked to my parents and called the doctors and they had me booked in for the 2nd of September for a 9 week scan. I cant believe I was going to have a baby. Ever since I met my partner I pictured us having a family and now it is finally happening. After a couple of years of hard times we are finally getting some good! Me and my partner was going to have a family.

Over the coming weeks the morning sickness was awful and I was growing fast. I was out of my size six clothes in three weeks. I looked like a balloon. I couldn’t believe I was growing so quickly. I couldn’t resit but walk in to Mothercare to have a little look at all of the things I was going to buy my baby but everyone told me that it was bad luck to shop before the 12 week mark… and they were right. My first appointment came around quickly I was so anxious to see my baby but excited. Me, Mum and my partner went to the maternity unit and then they told me they was not doing a scan today they will schedule it for another time instead. I was gutted (and I am now angry as if they stuck to what they was going to do I would have known sooner and all of this would have been that 1% easier.) Now it was a waiting game. These next 3 weeks are going to be so frustrating. The 12 week wait is almost over. Almost past the so called safety barrier.

The sickness was there and the fatigue was getting worse, I was not feeling great but all I kept reminding myself was that it is all going to be worth it. A couple more months, I can do this. All the pain and the changes where helping me to provide for the little life growing inside of me but then on September the 9th is when the nightmare started, all of the changes all of the sickness and ever-expanding pants were going to be no more…

I woke up with an extreme pain in my lower right abdomen. The pain was like something I have never felt before and I knew something was not right. I was doubled up in pain and crying my eyes out. So I called the emergency midwife number and they said it is normal to cramp up but I knew something was off, she told me to give it a couple hours and see what happens because I was only 10 weeks at this point there is not much they can do to help. I started feeling worse so I called my local GP and she told me to come in for a check just to see what was going on before making that 40 minute journey to the hospital. She tested my urine and said I had a water infection… She did not check my stomach she simply done a urine test and send me on my way with antibiotics. Boy was she wrong…

Later that evening the pain got worse, uncontrollable cramping. So once again, I called up the doctors at this point it was 7pm so I called 111 out of hours and they booked me an appointment for 01:30am on the 10th September. I had a check and the doctor called my local hospital and said were sending over a 20 year old girl she is 10 weeks pregnant, and we think it is a possible ectopic… well my heart collapsed. I didn’t know what to do with myself. What decisions am I going to have to make? Can they save my baby? Am I going to be okay? What the F*** is going on?

My father took me over the hospital with my partner to the gynaecology ward. They booked me in for a scan for 10:15am. I was petrified. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my baby? As the clock was ticking it was now 03:30am my dad and partner left me at the hospital as they had to go and get my sister ready for college so they came back in the morning. I could not sleep my mind was everywhere thinking about all the possibilities, scrolling through google trying to find an answer.

Then the time came for the scan, the pain was easing and I though all is going to be okay as I was feeling better. We all went down to the early pregnancy unit. The ladies were really nice and helped me feel at ease. I hopped up on the bed scared as to what I was going to see but looking forward to seeing my baby. They put the gel on my belly and started scanning but it was taking a while. She asked me “are you sure your dates are correct?” then I knew something was wrong. I was certain of my dates. I looked at my partner and dad for reassurance and they look confused. They decided to do a transvaginal scan and still they could not see anything… and then they did. A tiny baby of 4.2mm at 10 weeks that is a measurement of a 4-5 week old. They told me the baby had no heartbeat. I broke down. They went on to say “Your dates could be wrong, you could be early or you have unfortunately has a missed miscarriage and unfortunately the baby passed away very soon after you found out you was pregnant.”

WHAT? I didn’t understand. How is this happening. I have done everything right. Taken my vitamins. Not drank. Eaten correctly. They were talking to me but I was in pure shock. My dad asking questions and I was numb. They said they will book me in for the 17th of September 7 days time, to see if anything has changed. I got home and spoke to my mum and she broke down as well as she has gone through something similar. Everyone was a mess. This was going to be the longest week of my life.  On (the 16th) the day before my scan I felt bubbles in my belly. I was trying to stay positive. I thought they were tiny movements well that is what I read online but then I knew I needed to stop with the positivity. The worst was going to happen. The sickness stopped. I was no longer growing. It was gone and I knew it but I was not willing to accept that possibility just yet.

The time came a long week later to have the scan, this time everyone came in, my parents, my partner and we all waited in anticipation. I was trying to stay calm. It was the same nurses as the week before so that was a relief. They scanned and then they said it.. “Im sorry but nothing has changed your baby has unfortunately passed away.” Again I blacked out the world. I couldn’t talk.Tears streaming down my face. Then they calmed me down and tried to explain. They said it was something called a “Missed Miscarriage” and I had to come back to the hospital tomorrow to make a decision of how I am going to go about this.

They laid out four possible options were put in front of me 1) Self managed miscarriage – Await for the baby to pass naturally. 2) Medical Management – Taking tablets to speed up the process 3) Surgical management while awake – Having a operation to remove the baby while awake 4) Surgical management while under local anaesthetic – An operation while your asleep. I couldn’t think of what is best to do so I had 24 hours to make a decision. A decision I really did not want to make.

The nurses gave me my scan photo and a little knitted butterfly and said “I’m sorry”.  At this point I was filled with anger and upset and I didn’t know how to respond so we left and went back home. I couldn’t help but feel hate and resentment at every pregnant person I knew or saw. I wanted to lash out and scream “Why”. Why did this happen to me? People smoke and drink through their pregnancy and get a healthy baby but this happened to me? This world is so unfair.

When I got home I started to feel funny. I started to have that cramping feeling again around 13:00. I thought it was nothing so ignored it. I put on a sanitary pad just in case and then sat down to try to make my decision. After a long discussion with my partner and family, I decided I was going to opt for surgical management while being put asleep so I didn’t have to go though the pain or listening to it happen but in the end I didn’t get a choice. This should not have been happening to me. I should be looking forward to my 12 week scan to see my baby not making a decision as to how I want to remove my baby.

Around 17:00 my partner went out to see a friend to speak to him about how he was feeling, but then just before he left, I went to the toilet after feeling a pressure and then I saw spotting of brown blood on my pad. I then started to get extreme pains in my stomach to the point I was screaming.  I told him to go as there was nothing he could do! He left and told me to call him if anything happens. Well lets just say he didn’t get out for long. I was back and forth to the toilet around 30 minuets later I went and sat on the loo, and I felt this pressure so I wiped and there was a clot. I screamed and cried and didn’t know what to do. I was broken. All of a sudden I exploded and I thought it happened I lost clots and clots, the toilet was bright red. I thought I passed it. I was digging around in the toilet as I needed to know if it happened but I couldn’t find anything. I was on the toilet for around an hour. My partner sat there with me the whole time and then the pain eased off. We called the hospital and they said if it gets worse to come in but as I have an appointment the next day so try to hold out until then.

The pain settled around 9pm and I was super tired. I fell asleep finally but soon to wake up to what I can only describe as labour pains around 02:00. Clotting and more bleeding. Was this ever going to stop. It got worse again I was screaming in pain. I knew something was not right. This carried on right though the night until the morning. So we went back to the hospital around 10:00 (on the 18th of September). I had to have a speculum check and lets just say I was in pain anyway. This was unbearable. They had a good look to try to confirm what has happened and they said they my cervix is closed and due to the amount of blood I lost they think it has passed but I needed a scan to confirm this.

So we waited until 12:00 I was in so much pain and so exhausted I didn’t know what to do or think. I just wanted to go home!

I waited to go into the emergency gynaecology room but in the waiting room was pregnant after pregnant person, People walking past with smiles and there scans, people coming for their first appointments and then people waiting in anticipation and I couldn’t help but feel hatred and resentment for them all. It should have been me walking past with smiles and a healthy scan instead I am sitting here waiting to find out if my baby has passed or not and they have the guts to smile as they walk past. F*** them.How dare they be happy? Don’t they have any respect? But then I realised I would be the same if I was them. I should have been the person walking past the waiting room all smiles and happiness, but instead I wasn’t. I was breaking and nobody could see. I can’t explain the rage or the anger that I felt but it was uncontrollable. Jealously, guilt, heartbreak and anger all rolled in to one big blast of emotion.

We got called in and they done a scan, I was dreading to hear that it has gone and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, but then if it hasn’t gone how much longer do I have to deal with the pain. They then confirmed the baby and the sack is still fully intact. So they suggested I leave having the surgery I wanted and to come in tomorrow and have it done while I am awake as they need to get the process moving due to the pain I was in as it could cause an infection. Not only was I confused and upset but now I am being forced to remove him/her. This was just getting harder and harder. I was hesitant but I agreed as there is no longer anything I can do. It has started and all I am doing is prolonging the pain, Although I would have preferred to do it naturally. I knew I needed to get this sorted. So I agreed they gave me antibiotics to take in the night and then tablets to insert into my vagina in the morning at 06:00 before the procedure, but I was not happy with the decision I made.

Again we left the hospital and then got home, I was a mess, but then what do you expect from someone who has gone through all of this. I sat in the car and then remembered that tomorrow the 19th was meant to be the date of my first scan. The day I was meant to see my beautiful baby. Instead it is the day they will be taking him/her away from me.

When I got home I fell asleep due to the exhaustion. I started to feel uncomfortable and wriggling in my sleep. There was an achy stabbing pain in my pelvic area and then it stated. It was 16:00 and the pains were growing worse and worse. It was like I couldn’t get a break. I was crying in pain, screaming worse then I have done. I was bleeding constantly now slightly breaks when it was lighter but there was no stopping it. The clots were like something I have never seen before. I was scared. The pressure was unbearable, If I am completely honest it felt as if I had a grapefruit stuck in my cervix.

Later into the evening, I did not  care about the pain anymore It was constant, Ibroprofen and paracetamol wouldn’t touch the pain. I had a hot water bottle to help ease it but all I wanted was a couple hours of sleep. I tried and tried but the thought of the procedure tomorrow was petrifying me. I wanted to know what the doctors were going to do to me. So I looked it up. MVA is what the procedure is called. I watched a video and I soon decided I didn’t want the procedure anymore. I could not go through with it. After watching what they do I couldn’t bring myself to let it happen. My partner was trying to get it across to me that the baby has passed so it wont feel anything, your not hurting it but I couldn’t understand that after watching what they do I couldn’t bring myself to let them do that. So I then decided that I wanted to do it myself but my mum was talking to me saying that the Doctors way is the best option. I think everyone was finding it hard seeing me in pain and they wanted it to be over for me.  I couldn’t get my head around having the procedure but after a long time convincing. I stared at my scan photo and thought what was best for me. I took the antibiotics the doctors gave me and some painkillers and tried to calm down and handle the pain anf finally after another 4 hours of bleeding and pain I drifted off to sleep around 21:00pm.

Of course the whole sleeping thing didnt last very long. I woke up at 01:00am screaming in my sleep. I had to waddle to the bathroom as the pressure was unbearable and to top it off the antibiotics decided to give me diarrhoea. Now I was flooding from both parts and I am not going to lie to you it was awful. The bleeding was the heaviest it has been. Thick clots. I was flooding the toilet. You could hear it. I woke everyone up with the screaming. I was sweating uncontrollably and then the sickness started lucky it didnt last long but it still happened. I couldnt move off the toilet. I was shaking so much and in shock. My mum had to call the ambulance. The time was now around 02:30am-03:00am. The ambulance arrived at 03:30am. I was just sat on the toilet. Naked. Sweating. Shaking. Lets just sat it was not a pretty sight for the paramedics. They took my observations and noticed my pulse was 135. I was in shock. They has to cry to get me to calm down. I felt reassurance that they was there.

They said we had to go back to the hospital. As I stood up the blood just flooded out. This was ridiculous, nothing has happened yet. I did not pass it. It now being 04:00am. 3 hours of bleeding. My partner helped me to get changed and I waddled my way into the ambulance. Luckily the diarrhoea stopped. As I laid down they set me up with gas and air and then gave me IV paracetamol. As I laid there breathing the gas I started to feel numb. The only thing I could feel was a mild cramp here and there but the bleeding did not stop as the gas helped me to relax, my body started to relax and I gushed, It felt like a river. It was awful. The blood was through my clothes, the blanket. (Lucky I was not wearing my own clothes) I wear wearing a pad big enough to help an elephant, pants, boxers and a night dress but as I lifted the blanket I looked like a crime scene. I laid back and then started to feel a pressure, not like any of the ones I felt before but like a pushing pressure. As I pushed and contracted I felt a pop and the pain stopped. Still floaty on the gas and air I looked to my partner and whispered ” I think it has happened”. I knew that was it, in that exact moment the pain all of a sudden stopped. There was no more gushing. I knew that I had lost my baby. On the 19th of September 2019. I couldn’t get my head around the day I was meant to have my 12 week scan was the day I lost him/her.

I got taken into A&E knowing the nurses were there waiting to take bloods and do more observations. I looked back to the ambulance and saw the blood on the ambulance bed and then I looked down and just cried. I had never seem so much blood before. The nurses offered me a new blanket but I felt awful getting another one messy so I stayed with the same one. They insisted but I was so embarrassed I said no. I waited in Majors 1 for around an hour and thirty minutes. I got taken up to the ward around 06:30. I was still sat in my clothes. I felt gross. I wanted a shower. I was scared. We got up to the ward I got taken to the week before to wait for the doctor. She soon came around and had to ask me what’s happened, I just about managed to hold it together until I said “I think I have passed it”. She then asked me to get undressed so she could assess the situation. I couldn’t move I was in shock, my mum and partner helped me get undressed, I was covered in blood I was too shocked to move. As my mum helped to remove my clothes I felt something drop. I looked down and then saw it. The sack. My baby. All in once piece. I cried and cried and cried.

The doctor came back in with another speculum to check  it had all passed and she looked down and saw the sack and I could see the tears roll up in her eyes but she stayed professional and then she took it away. As soon as they took him/her I felt guilt! I didn’t hold it, I didn’t hold my baby. I still see it to this day. I should have looked more. I should have held the sack and said sorry and I should have said goodbye, but I didn’t and it breaks my heart. She came back in and told me that if I would like they will take the sack after the doctors checked it to the crematorium to carry out a cremation for him/her with other lost babies. Each baby gets a little casket and they all get cremated together and they then will get scattered at the crematorium baby garden which I am able to visit. I was toying with the idea of taking him/her home and burying the sac in the garden, but my partner did not want the worms and bugs to get to it so I agreed to go forth with the cremation. I am still so broken, but it was the best option for him/her. The nurse went on to say if not all the pregnancy tissue was removed they would still have to go forth with the procedure which I did not want I was tired and in pain and bruised, but I knew they needed to do it and at least if there was anything else left. I knew my baby would be unharmed.

I had another scan and they confirmed all has been removed and I can go home a rest. After 3 days of labour pains, lots of blood, 4 internal scans and 2 speculums I was bruised, beaten down and broken. I was just grateful in a way that I was able to go about things naturally even with all the pain, it was worth it for that split second I had with my baby. No physical pain will match the emotional pain I was going through. I would go through that pain everyday for the rest of my life to be able to know my baby was okay. To find out if it was a he or a she. To hold and care and show them just how much I loved them, how much everyone loved them. I hope wherever they are they are being looked after and knows that they may have been small but they have a large part of my heart.

Nothing will ever prepare you for what happens. If I didn’t go to the hospital that night when I was in pain a 3 weeks ago I would have gone for my 12 week scan thinking everything was perfect. I am still broken and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t look at a baby. I can’t walk past a pregnant person or see an advert of nappies without feeling my heart stop. I can’t help but feel jealous and angry at all the pregnant people I see or know off, the resentment of why did this happen to me and not you. Although I would not wish what I went through on anyone. I just can’t control my emotions towards it. I should be celebrating my pregnancy. I should have announced it to the world but instead I am sat everyday hurting and looking at the scan wondering what could have been. I am truly broken. My whole life changed.

I didn’t get to hear my baby, I didn’t even get to see my baby or hold my baby but I loved my baby more than anyone will ever know. I carried him/her every second of their life but I will love them every second of mine. Unfortunately as my  partner says they was too poorly for this world . Their wings were ready but our hearts were not. I have created a memorial corner for our loss (Which you can see if you go to the visual timeline page) and it helps me to come to terms with what has happened but does not help me understand. I will forever be broken by this. This will never become a memory. I will feel this everyday and over time it will get easier but It will alwasy be there. No matter what the future hold I will never stop thinking about what happened. I will never forget my beautiful little angel.

I am sorry that I cannot sit there and listen to conversations about pregnancy, babies and when you talk about your future plans. I cannot be happy for you if your in the situation I should have been in. I cant smile at your good news. I cannot listen to how bad your period cramps are as they have no idea how painful cramps can be and the thought of blood now petrifies me. I am sorry that I remove myself from any conversation or situation that may trigger me. No it is not me being rude. It is me not wanting to show you how broken I am. People need to understand how sensitive this makes you. Seeing other people with a healthy pregnancy, or a newborn. People announcing their news or the genders breaks my heart knowing that should have been me. Hearing people complain about their morning sickness hurts me more than you think , all I want to do is shout at them to tell them how lucky they are they have the morning sickness, tell people how lucky they are that they don’t fit in their clothes anymore and they cant get comfortable when they go to bed. Although I can sympathise and I know it is not anyone’s fault but it builds up an anger inside that I cannot explain, you just want to scream at them and tell them how lucky they are and how much they should appreciate the hard times of pregnancy as I don’t get too.

I was 11+4 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby. My baby was only 5+4 weeks old. No matter how far along you are it doesn’t make it any less hard. The love I have for my baby is unmatched. As soon as that pregnancy test says positive your a mother no matter what happens and nobody can take that away from you. You will always be a mummy to that precious angel baby. You may never fall pregnant again or go on to have 5 children you will always be a mummy to that baby. People need to stop saying “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least it happened early, ” It happens to so many people”, “You need to just get on with it. These little phrases do not help. I know I am only 20, I know I can try again, I know I need to try to get back to normal life and I know it happens to so many people. 1 in 4 to be precise, but I am a person not a statistic. My baby was a person, not a statistic. Your life was and will be changed forever and no matter if it happened at 1 week or full term it doesn’t make it any easier or any harder. You have still lost and you will always wonder who that little person would have become every milestone, every birthday, every year you will be reminded.

Thank you for listening to my story, I have been as open and honest about my experience as I can and I know that it is a little bit intense but I have not been able to find a single story that told me how things could happen. All I wanted was to know what it was I expected. The doctors say cramping and bleeding. Other stories explain slight labour pains and a lot of blood but I did not exepect anything like what happened. So I hope whoever is reading this, it can help you understand what may happen or if you have been through similar you can feel not so alone. So I am sorry but I have been graphic and honest and I am sorry if I have been brutal and caused you to in someways go through the experience again or go though something you’re worried about could happen or even just to the people who are reading for the sake of wanting to know what happened or curious to experience what I went though but this should not be sugar coated people need to know and understand what we go through for them to try to understand the pain we are feeling.

The End

 

This year I will:

I am still grieving but I am going to the crematorium on the 19th of October to say goodbye and I will visit at every vital milestone and birthday.

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