9 October

We decided to start trying for a baby and boom we fell pregnant month one! At 8 weeks I couldn’t wait anymore and we went for a private scan. The first thing she said was ‘do twins run in the family?’ We gasped and I said ‘yes’! We thought it was twins… wouldn’t you?

Her next words will never leave me and are etched in my memory…

‘I know what 8 weeks pregnant looks like and this isn’t it! There’s something not right about this but I don’t know what. You’ll have to go to your GP tomorrow.

We left confused and angry! I was silent most of the journey home until I threw up.

We went from The GP to the EPU where we were told it was most likely a molar pregnancy. I had to wait 11 days until they were 100% sure it was molar. A close friend of mine recently lost her twin boys around 19 weeks and I couldn’t even tell her what those 11 days were like… waiting… aimless… hopeless… I have blocked them out! 11 days knowing there is a dead baby inside you, knowing your body continues to think your pregnant but also knowing full well you’re not!  11 days before explaining the baby inside me had died and the ‘bunch of grapes’ next to it were cancerous and had probably killed the baby and were now going to spread around my body.

Devastated! I had never heard of a molar nor had anyone I know! It turns out nor had a lot of doctors which is why every time I went in for a scan at least 6 had to come and have a good look! A D&C was arranged and it was over. But not really. I had to have blood tests, urine tests and swabs every 2 weeks for 9 months (thank you to the incredible midwives at the EPU who are the most amazing women/men). Unfortunately, when you have a molar pregnancy your body still thinks you’re pregnant. So whilst I didn’t have the baby inside my tummy, I had the symptoms; a constant daily reminder that I was not having a baby but  ‘little grapes were swimming round my body’.  I got the all clear exactly a year later from the day we conceived the first time. That same day my best friend told me she was pregnant. I was devastated – selfish I know – but devastated all the same.  It seemed all I could see was pregnancy: in the street, on FB, at work – literally everywhere! Everyone but me.

When we started to ‘try’ again we fell pregnant instantly again but at 7 weeks it just went away like a heavy period. the next month I was pregnant for a third time and I had scans at 6, 8 and 10 weeks all looking good… then the 12 week scan – no heartbeat. I went in for my second D&C and came out broken. A shell of my former self on the inside but same old me on the outside, I continued life as normal.  I saw the recurrent miscarriage specialist who told me all was fine and I was just unlucky. This was like a knife to the heart… ‘unlucky’ was the only medical term they could give me. ‘At least you can get pregnant’ was the phrase I heard most- please don’t ever say this to someone! As if I didn’t already know I was failing as a mum to be, people wanted to point it out!

I fell pregnant again and started taking aspirin and progesterone as prescribed by the consultant and although I was a wreck my entire pregnancy my baby boy arrived safely the same date  that the previous year I had a D&C and the same week the year before that my molar baby would have been due. He has just turned one and is the most amazing little guy – I am besotted!

I’m open about my journey and it still  hurts more than you’ll ever know and even though I have my happy ending, I am not the same woman I was 3 years ago!

I would not have got through any of this without my rock, my other half and my world! My husband. He has been through every step of this with me; holding my hand, sharing my tears and holding me tight and never letting go!

Thank you for taking the time to read this… I hope you get your happy ending too.

 

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