26 December 2019

On Thursday 26th December 2020 our lives changed forever. The day we found out we were expecting our first child after 3 and a half years of trying. We were speechless and so excited that it was finally going to be our turn. This was a Christmas miracle!

However, on Monday 17th February, our dreams were crushed. It was our 12 week scan, the first time we got to see our baby for the first time. I waited in the waiting area, so excited that this was happening; little did I know that in a couple of moments my world was going to change. We got called into the room and I lay nervously on the bed. The lady started to examine my belly. I took a glimpse at the screen and then I knew. I knew there was nothing, I just closed my eyes and I waited for her to confirm it. She did. She confirmed my baby had in fact stopped growing at between 7-8 weeks. This was known as a missed miscarriage. I burst into tears, I couldn’t stop the crying. I just couldn’t believe it. 3 years we had waited for this moment.

I chose to have a natural miscarriage at home, because I thought “maybe they have got it wrong?”,  “Maybe my baby is still alive?”. As we walked back into the car, I instantly called my parents, I couldn’t get my words out, I wanted to give them a grandchild so much.

3 weeks had passed and nothing happened, I had a few contraction like pains, but that was it. I thought natural management would happen straight away, oh how silly was I! We went back to the hospital for a routine check-up. They said I could either wait another 3 weeks for nature to take its course, or I could opt for surgical management.

Why couldn’t my body let go?

I opted to have surgery, because I just wanted all this to be over now, we felt we couldn’t move on from all this until the miscarriage was completed. So I was told to come back in 3 days to have the surgery. It was still upsetting but also a relief knowing this would all be over in 3 days.

Then, at around 9:30 that same night, the contractions came. They were horrendous; I couldn’t do anything to make them better. I tried painkillers, a hot bath, hot water bottle. Then at around 10:30 I felt this huge contraction and then a popping sensation in my uterus. I ran to the toilet, and the blood came pouring out along with blood clots. A big blood clot passed and me and my husband thought it was the sac leaving my body.

Come 11:30 and the bleeding had not stopped and was in fact getting worse, I rang 111 helpline for some advice on what to do and by the information I gave him, he dispatched an ambulance out to me. When they arrived I had to remain on the toilet, because the blood just kept coming out, I couldn’t risk moving into another room. I was taken to hospital and had a number of tests done on me. Then the following afternoon, I had another scan taken which showed that the sac had just collapsed and was still inside of me. After all this, that is not what I wanted to hear, the tears came again, I just wanted all this to be over. Then shortly after I was told I would need an emergency surgery to remove the sac and any remainder tissue. I stayed in overnight again after my surgery and I felt somewhat relieved that I could finally recover and get back to my normal life and try and move on from all of this.

It has now been just over 2 months from my 12 week scan. I have recently had my first period (which was very emotional, painful and heavy) and now we are faced with a world pandemic. What do we do? Should we try to conceive again? My mind is all over the place, I still don’t feel right from it all. A lot of my friends and people I know are getting pregnant and then there’s me, waiting for it to be my turn. I’ve learnt to keep a strong mind, but still find myself getting upset over little things, I have unfollowed mothers to be on social media ( which I know is wrong, I should be happy for them, but their happiness of a child only brings back the sad memories of mine). I long so much to be a mother, and to provide my husband with a child. I can’t help shake the feeling it’s my fault we can’t have children. Pregnancy can bring so much love and yet bring so much pain.

Thank you for reading my story, I hope you can read it and realise that you are not alone, there are so many women out there who have gone through a miscarriage and all our stories are different x

 

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