9 August 2016

To my dearest,

After three and a half years of trying for a baby, I finally got pregnant. At last! I finally experienced a positive pregnancy test! I never had one before. Just one week after my 35th birthday, too. What a truly wonderful birthday surprise. What joy and happiness. Every day is a beautiful day. I have so much hope and expectation now. I feel so positive about life, and about the future.

I think about you, my baby, all the time. Whenever I eat, when I carefully cross the road on my way to work, when I wake up in the morning, and when I fall asleep at night. I will always look after you. I will love you, nourish you, cherish you, and protect you. You are part of me. I am part of you. We are one, together.

Now let us fast forward two months. Two blissfully happy, wonderful months.

Who would have thought that my early first scan would reveal that you, my poor little baby, did not have a heartbeat? Your poor little thing. Who would have thought that, despite my happiness and obvious signs of pregnancy, you had died inside me? That there is such a thing as a silent miscarriage? Well, I do know now, although sadly I had to learn the hard way.

I’m so sorry, my baby. I feel terribly sad. I am so sorry you died. I wish things could have been different. And I am so sorry I could not look at you, when they scanned you and removed you from me 8 days later. I am sorry I couldn’t look. But the thing is, it was all too painful to bear. It was a terrible shock for me at the time, you see.

It was supposed to be your 12 week scan tomorrow: Tuesday 9th August 2016. So clearly marked in my diary. This weekend I am going to Devon to see the family and I was supposed to show them pictures of you, of the scan. I had hoped we would have a small family gathering, to celebrate the good news. Next weekend I am hosting a party for all my friends. And I was supposed to tell all my friends the good news too. Isn’t that sad? None of them will know what I had planned, hoped and expected. None of them will know what was meant to be. They will all see my smiles and laughter, but not the emptiness behind it.

Oh, for that 12 week scan. What I would have done just to be able to get that far. Wouldn’t it have been amazing. But it was just not meant to be.

I think about you all the time. I will say a little prayer for you tomorrow, little one. Sleep well, my love.

Love from mum xxx


Comments are closed.