11 November 2015

Rebecca's scanI will never forgot this date. This was the date we were told there was no heartbeat.

I found out I was pregnant in accident and emergency 4 weeks before. I had went there with my mum due to crippling stomach pains and no luck from my GP. Upon being admitted they do a routine pregnancy test – it was obviously going to be negative there was no doubts in my mind. We had just got engaged and booked our wedding for 11 months time. The doctor came in with my urine results – I had a terrible urine infection…..and I was pregnant. I was so shocked I asked him to try again. He confirmed he tested 3 times and they were all positive. Instantly I felt sick, my boobs hurt, my body was tired. It was like all symptoms came at once.

Due to the pain I was having, I was moved to the Early Pregnancy Unit for ‘checks’. Why checks? Is this normal? I was assured it was just a precaution. I had an examination and was told I would get a scan in a few days. I went home and tearfully told my fiancé who was equally as shocked. My morning sickness started the very next day.

We went for a scan, internally, and there was our baby’s heartbeat flickering on the screen. I was in shock, awe and instantly felt so much love. 6 weeks and 6 days, everything looks great. We were on top of the world. We told our parents who were equally as happy. I told my work due to the sickness I was having and I booked my first midwife appointment.

The midwife appointment went great, she told me my hormones were high and exactly what I should be for 8 weeks. I got my due date 14th June 2016. A little summer baby. We started discussing names and we both thought the baby would be a boy.

When I was 10 weeks my friend suffered from a missed miscarriage, this shocked me. I had no idea this could happen, there was no bleeding surely she hadn’t miscarried? In my confusion and panic I booked a private scan to check my baby was okay. I am so glad I did this. We went for the scan 4 days later and they told us the bad news. Our baby’s heartbeat had stopped at 9 weeks and 1 day. The exact same as my friend. How? There was the baby on the screen, looking like a baby but with no special flicker like before.

Immediately we were referred to the early pregnancy unit again. To discuss how to remove ‘products of conception’. It hurt that in the eyes of the hospital the baby was in longer a baby. I choose to have the surgical option as this seemed the shortest way. I had heard horror stories about the medical option and I didn’t want to wait for nature to take its course. My operation was in 7 days. For those 7 days I cried. I cried some more. I called my work and advised them. I trusted my mum to tell everyone else. It was just too painful. My partner took the news 10x harder than I thought he would, I think we forget that partners and fathers feel the same loss. We supported each other.

Then the evening before my surgery I collapsed screaming in pain. There was blood pouring out of me along with some thick clots. Please don’t let me see my baby or pregnancy sac or anything resembling our baby I cried to myself. The pain was unbearable so my partner rushed me to the early pregnancy unit yet again. They confirmed indeed my body had started naturally to miscarry but I could still have the operation to ensure everything is removed. They kept me in overnight but the pain was so intense they decided to manually speed up my miscarriage. Just like a smear they said. I’ve had over 20 smears and this was nothing like a smear. It was mind numbingly painful and extremely graphic. My partner held my hand throughout the entire procedure, he described it as medieval. It really was the worst experience of my life.

Not only have I suffered the heartache of a miscarriage but the physical pain of a miscarriage. I’m home now and resting. I can’t bare the thought of being intimate, trying for another baby or even discussing the future. How can I go through this again? I don’t blame anyone nor do I feel bitter towards those who are pregnant or have children. 1 in 4 woman suffer from a miscarriage. But why me? More importantly why me and my friend? We could go round and round asking these questions but the simple answer is – just because. There is no answer. I know we will heal from this but we don’t know how long this will last.

This year I will be remembering 2 dates. The date we lost our little baby and the date our child would have been due. We aren’t sure how but it will be private and just us two. Probably a meal together or even a trip away somewhere.

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