1 April 2019

My husband and I found out I was pregnant on Valentine’s Day this year. It was my first pregnancy and we were overwhelmed with excitement. I felt nauseous and exhausted with shift work but otherwise healthy. I was already feeling a small bump and stepped into maternity jeans pretty early!

9 weeks into the pregnancy we decided to have a quick scan at the local Early Pregnancy Unit to check everything was okay before doing some big family reveals the following week. We were not expecting sad news.

At the scan we were informed that there was no heartbeat and then told it was MCDA twins. They had likely stopped growing at 7 weeks. We completely broke down in shock- there had been zero symptoms to suggest this had happened! We went home to have a natural miscarriage.

Two days later I had still not miscarried and became an emotional wreck- so much so we went back to the hospital and asked for a medical miscarriage. This time we saw a Doctor not a Specialist Nurse, who told us  the hospital would not provide it due to the risk of haemorrhaging. She also said that it would also be classed as an abortion to have surgical intervention as one of the twins was under the 7mm cut off for viability meaning there was still a chance!! However, she could offer us no statistics and we were now classed as a missed miscarriage for one twin and an early pregnancy for the other.

Fast forward a week of hoping and praying and just before the scan I started to have contraction like pain and such heavy bleeding. During the uncomfortable scan they found me to be in the process of miscarriage and gave me the option of surgery or going home. Faced with a possibly long wait in a hospital waiting room, bleeding and in agony I opted for home.

At around 11 weeks we lost our babies. I had just not expected it to happen to me as stupid as that sounds. My husband and I took great comfort that as Christians we believe Jesus has our babies safe with him and we can rest in the knowledge they are safe and loved.

We had a small private remembrance, near to where my husband keeps bees. There is an old English tradition that if something in your family happens you go and tell the bees as they are part of the family too. We buried scan photos and letters to the twins. Then sprinkled lots of bee friendly wild flower seed around in the hopes of seeing it grow in the next few weeks.

I’ve been signed off work for a while and my employers have been incredibly supportive, friends and family have also all rallied around. I’ve found the loss of not just the babies, but all the plans and hopes and dreams we had surrounding them, the most painful to process. However there is still hope for us, we have to stop forwards and persevere with as much love and compassion we can muster, whilst our twins rest safe and await us all to come together again at our time.

This year I will go back and visit the bees and watch all the wildflowers grow.

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