19 July 2020

I was so excited to be pregnant and I had caught so quick. My husband’s best friend’s wife was also having a baby and we’d be due at the same time. It was the best feeling in the world.

But I only got to enjoy it for 3 weeks before something went wrong. Then came the day when I miscarried. I won’t forget this day. I had to go in alone because of the pandemic and sign all the forms. Once I was done I had to go up to the pharmacy and wait for pain medication. Where I had to wait was opposite the antenatal clinic. I got to watch excited people go for the scan I would never get to have for my child. I went home alone and went through it mostly alone – my husband had to work.

This was the day my son was born and the day he died. I will never forget it, it was the worst day of my life in so many ways. My husband’s friend had their baby – a beautiful boy. Part of me is so happy for them but another part of me cannot forget my son that was not to be. I can’t even look at pictures of him and I hate myself for it.

This year… I won’t do anything fancy – I’m not the type. But I will look at the sky and think of him, as I did on the morning I lost him. I will never use the name I chose for another and will keep him in my heart always.

 

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