22 May

Hi, I thought I would share my experiences, thoughts and feelings with you. The only intention of me writing this is to send some comfort from someone who has experienced miscarriage. What you’ve been through is rubbish but hopefully this will help you to realise that you’re not alone in all of this.

I felt compelled to write about miscarriage, because women biologically have to contend with a lot throughout their lifetime, their first period, changes in body shape, pregnancy and the menopause.

One thing missing from this list is their first miscarriage. Stats show 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage and yet we still don’t talk about it.

So, to help break through the stigma and to get more people talking about it, I thought I would describe my experience from the joy of the positive pregnancy test all the way through to the heartbreak and grieving process I experienced. But to begin with, I guess I need to give a bit of context to my miscarriages – yes that’s not a typo. At the time of typing I had experienced four miscarriages.

I want to share with you how I felt and what I believed across the 4 miscarriages. To share my experience in a way that will hopefully help you to reflect and to accept what you’re feeling and thinking is ok.

I would like to state that as individuals we will never experience the same situation identically to the person we are standing next to, so please do not take my words, feelings, thoughts as gospel because you, the reader, may have felt slightly differently and you know what, that’s absolutely fine! It’s ok to feel differently to what a book or person tells you, it’s safe to go through your own grieving process, because its personal and individual to you.

All of my pregnancies were considered ‘normal’ to begin with. But on the scans there wasn’t much to see or any detectable signs of life, yet I had had no bleeding, nothing to tell me that something was wrong.

I was still hopeful that something would be found on the scan and it would all be ok. I felt so silly for thinking this and so embarrassed as I sort of felt that I had wasted everyone’s time. But do you know what, I wasn’t silly, I shouldn’t have been embarrassed because this wasn’t the first time this had happened to someone.

Each time hopes had been built up so high, or the thought of ‘it’ll be different this time’. Any glimmer is held on to so tightly, that when it’s lost you feel like your entire world has crumbled around you and you feel sort of empty inside, cold or hardened almost. But that’s ok, because you’ve just been told some devastating news and what you’re experiencing could be described as shock, disbelief, sadness, anger or all of them rolled up in to one!

Just because a miscarriage takes X amounts of days, that doesn’t mean that once it’s stopped it’s all over, it’s finished with. Emotions can resound within for months onwards and that’s what I discovered. I tried to distract myself with going back to work, with extracurricular activities, but all this was doing was packing the emotions and grief into a box until the day I decided to open it.

As I said, all of us are different and so we will all cope differently when presented with situations/circumstance, so the very best thing you can do is listen to yourself and take your time. Allow yourself to grieve, talk to your partner, talk to a friend, just be safe and confident in knowing that what you’re feeling is allowed, it’s justified.

Although you might feel you can’t think of anything else or even think of what tomorrow might bring, that’s ok, just take each day at a time. For months I couldn’t watch anything that had babies in (including the news). Some days I felt great and others I felt I was back at square one and that’s ok too!

I was offered counselling and it’s the best decision I ever made! I was able to realise that I had worried about trying to please others and yet by doing that I hadn’t grieved for myself, for my loss and by not grieving I was actually pushing people away rather than protecting them.

You need to be kind to yourself, accepting of you and the emotions and thoughts that you’re experiencing. If you feel that counselling or any other therapy may be useful to you and your situation then don’t be scared about asking or about what other people may think. If you feel you want or need help then seek it.

I hope this has helped you in one way or another. Take care of yourself.

S x

 

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