31 October 2019

My husband and I agreed that we would start trying for a baby after Christmas.

We had practiced Fertility Awareness Method for contraception up until now, so I knew exactly when I would ovulate (5th Jan).

Unfortunately, we didn’t fall pregnant that month, which I felt shockingly very sad about. Instead, I had a very light period.

However, we tried again in February (ovulating 7th) and two weeks later on 21st Feb, I took a pregnancy test and saw I was ‘Pregnant 1-2 weeks’, I can’t describe my elation. I called my husband to tell him and he had to pull over in the car because he was crying so much.

I downloaded all of the apps, cut out alcohol, told the midwives and started planning our future.

I was very scared about miscarriage because at least 4 of my friends had been through it.

So every time I went to the loo, I would check the tissue and so relived not to see anything.

The NHS date your pregnancy based on the first day of your last period but my cycle is 33 days, I ovulate on day 19 and therefore I knew I had ovulated and conceived on 7th Feb – I knew exactly how pregnant I was but that didn’t matter to them. Part of me feels a bit resentful that I had to go to that first antenatal appointment because if they had only listened, I would never have ended up going, I would have miscarried before I was due to go.

On 8 weeks exactly, I had my first wee of the day and was shocked to see brown watery blood on the tissue. The bleeding got heavier and darker as the day went on and my husband took me to A&E around 6pm. I had an internal examination and was told that my cervix was closed and I was booked in for a scan the next day.

We had to come back to A&E at 10pm because the blood got a lot worse but there was nothing they could do until morning. They did confirm that my hormone levels were 33,000, which made me feel a little relieved.

I woke up bleeding significantly and went off to my scan. The reception nurse explained that bleeding on the 8th week could be the implantation bleeding, which made us both feel positive again.

I went into the scan and she tried to do it abdominally. She said that she could see something but it wasn’t what she should be seeing at 8 weeks. I knew for certain that my dates weren’t wrong and I told her that.

She then did the vaginal scan and explained that all she could see was a yolk sac.

I couldn’t really comprehend what she was saying to me but I knew it wasn’t good. She said she couldn’t confirm anything until I came back in 10 days for another scan (I think they think I could have the dates wrong and that I am actually 4 weeks rather than 8).

I sat up and just cried very loudly, I knew the truth, I knew how pregnant I was, so I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t showing.

I was sent to a private room away from all of the happy couples, where the nurse said that I could be having what looked like a missed miscarriage. That I should have already miscarried a while ago but my body was holding onto it.

I was hysterical, I have never behaved or cried like I did in my whole life, I had to get out of there as soon as possible.

Throughout that night and this morning, the cramping and bleeding was awful. I know that this morning I must have bled out the ovum because I felt a golf sized ball leave me and since then my body has felt ‘at peace’.

I know I have miscarried.

I also know that what I had was a blighted ovum, I have worked this out for myself from reading. I had a yolk sac but that was all, I didn’t even have a baby to lose.

I feel a bit of a fool because this whole time I have been swanning around ‘pregnant’ when I didn’t even have a baby inside me. Taking a photo each week – with a poppy seed, sesame seed, blueberry, raspberry, grape – when in fact, it was always just a sesame seed – my baby never developed.

Having understood from educating myself on what has happened, I realise that I haven’t lost a baby (even though when I was bleeding, I was saying goodbye to our baby and telling he/she that we loved them) but I have lost the baby that I thought I had – the dreams, the hopes, all of the happiness that was to come.

I have had to put my antenatal notes and the card I wrote to ‘Dad to Be’ hidden under clothes in my drawer, delete all pregnancy related events/milestones out of the diary and delete all of the apps.

I am feeling okay one minute and then crying the next, my husband also. We feel so very sad, we just want our little grape back and to continue with the pregnancy that we both so badly wanted.

I will go to the scan in 9 days’ time to make sure that all is clear and I want to know when we can start trying again.

I feel the only way to fill this void is to become pregnant again, I have hope.

We miss our ‘little grape’ but we will never forget our sesame seed. X

This year we will light a candle on 31st October 2019 and every 31st October to recognise the birthday of our little sesame seed.

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