13 May 2020

This is me, blissfully unaware of what the day would bring. I was so so happy wearing my new dress, all ready to go and have my 16 week private scan… The big gender reveal. I was going to surprise my Nan on her bday and do it in her garden on VE Day to celebrate (social distancing of course)… It was not meant to be.

Instead I was not told the gender. I was vaguely led to believe that my baby had no heart beat. I was quickly rushed out with an appointment made for the NHS on Monday to be re-scanned.

Apparently this is what they call a missed miscarriage. I had my 12 week scan and everything was fine no problems. I have been really well all along, despite the coronavirus pandemic.

In utter shock I drove home.

Now, I openly admit to being naively ignorant to the actual pain and loss that occurs when you have a miscarriage. I absolutely believe that until you have experienced this, you cannot begin to imagine how gut wrenchingly brutal it is.

I have miscarried previously at around 8 weeks, although terrible, it is nothing like what I am experiencing right now.

This pain is excruciating and cruel.

I am hollow and numb and in agony all at once.

I’m grief stricken.

Guilty

Angry

I want to disappear

I can’t get out of bed

I do not want to participate

I am not ready to speak

I am not ready to see family or friends

I am not ready for the gossip, the poor you or the opinions of others

I am not ready for the “Well it’s not that bad, at least you have 3 kids, some people don’t…”

I am not ready for the “It wasn’t meant to be”,

the

“It wasn’t the right time”,

or

“You can try again”

Loss is Loss

We are heartbroken and devastated. My poor husband is going through this as well and trying to support me and the boys.

I need time to heal and I know that I will.

I am glad that I have such a spiritual belief and I truly believe in the grand design of things, even though I struggle to understand why such terrible things happen to us all.

I just don’t know to be honest, I’m lost.

I looked out of the window this morning to mourn… I looked into the garden and before I knew it two little bushy heads appeared, one proudly stood peeing on the tent, the other stripping naked paraded to the trampoline.

And just like that, you smile through the agony, because this is an ordeal to go through, but not forever.

My beautiful boys, they will get me through.

Support from family and friends

One day at a time…

 

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