1 May 2015

The day that I found out you were gone was the worst day of my life. We had waited so long for our second baby and had felt like the most fortunate parents in the world to have finally been given you. While you were with us, we had talked about how fate had finally been so kind to us, making up for the years of heartache watching others have their second and third children.

Seeing the heartbeat on the scan made it all real and we allowed ourselves to plan to meet you. We wanted you so much, it felt like our little world was finally perfect with you in it.

But that perfection was shattered on 1 May when I went for a scan due to light spotting and was told your heartbeat had stopped. The physical pain of the miscarriage that followed and the complications that left me off work for 2 weeks gave me too much time to think about you and dwell on the emotional pain.

When you have struggled so hard to conceive, the things well-wishers say can be hurtful. “It wasn’t meant to be” – but why not? Do we not deserve this piece of happiness? “It will probably be ok next time” – but I don’t think there will be a next time. Not for us. We had waited for that baby for so long. “At least you already have a child” – but that truly does not stop us longing for a second and breaking our hearts that it hasn’t happened.

I will never forget the way I felt when we hoped and dreamed that it would all work out. The bubble we lived in, the things we talked of and the way I felt when I touched my stomach to talk to you. I will also never forget how we felt when I found out you were gone and how I’ve felt ever since when I think of you. A part of my heart went with you and will stay with you always. I will miss you forever and dream of what could have been.

Your mummy X

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