MY LOST SON
I walked away from the surgery
in shock and amazement
The test proved positive – pregnant
Excitedly dashed into the shop
bought blue wool instinctively
stereotypical colour for a boy.
But soon my happiness began to crumble
with the threat of a miscarriage
Scolded by
the midwife
for not resting
my mother for being too soft
my husband,
impatient for me to resume my duties
Doubts raised that I was pregnant
But I was certain,
had already chosen your name
Matthew
But kept that secret
Then, that awful day at the hospital
Irreparable damage done
A cervical smear
So painful
My voice was weak then
I felt powerless
against the might of the
medical profession
Lacking in confidence and courage
I lost my unborn son.
Weeks later
the test proved negative
No longer pregnant
I returned to work
and got on with my life
– – –
Where are you Mama
Why am I falling
Where are you
What is happening.
Coldness attacks and invades
my safe space
I am falling
slipping away from you.
I don’t understand
I thought you wanted me
Why can’t you hear my Mama
I need you, I’m frightened
Don’t let them separate us.
Mama I’m losing you
Don’t go Mama
Don’t go
On a cold day in January 24 years later
I heard you call and
Finally allowed myself
to grieve for my lost son
To identify as a mother
Acknowledging my great loss
I felt you pain too
My darling Matty
Realised that you had wandered alone
for so many years
Calling out in desperation to me
Oh! Mama!
I thought you had forgotten me
For 24 years I have waited for you
Called you
Dreaming night after night
Of being safe in your arms
I always knew that
One day
You would hear me.
Originally written in 1998, 24 years after my miscarriage. Edited in March 2021.