Due to the pandemic I was off on maternity suspension in my second job – that I had because we had struggled with money after I was furloughed in my first job and we were both on a wage drop.
One afternoon I started feeling cramps on both sides of my stomach. I thought ‘oh no, it’s those growing pains again, from baby growing’. But the pain didn’t stop like it had when I’d had it before. Pain killers didn’t work. It was getting worse and I had the worst feeling that it wasn’t just growing pains like my previous pregnancy.
I had my toddler with me who was playing in his room and we decided to try to go for a nap. I remember waking and still being sore. I went to the toilet and saw fresh blood when I was wiping. I felt physically sick and just instantly took a dizzy turn.
I panicked and called both the early pregnancy unit and my husband – who came to watch our little boy at home whilst I got checked.
I was told I had to go by myself due to the pandemic, so I rushed to the hospital and got checked – to be told, “all is well, your cervix is still closed, but think it is best to go for a scan tomorrow, just to double check”. I was 6 weeks and 2 days along.
The next day came and I went for my scan. I was told – “There are signs of pregnancy but you are either earlier than you thought or unfortunately it could be an early miscarriage. Go home and wait and see what happens”. I knew straight away what it was. The bleeding was still there, but just spotting.
Then the next afternoon, it happened. The bleeding got heavier, I looked and saw tissue and what looked like the sac. I burst into tears and remember myself screaming “no no no”. For a minute I forgot my toddler was close by and he was asking “what’s wrong?”. How do I explain to a toddler that he was supposed to be a big brother, but it is getting taken away from us?!
I called up the early pregnancy unit and needed to go in for blood tests. Again, I was to go by myself.
The blood results came back and I was still showing HCG (pregnancy hormone). For four days the bleeding carried on and I had to go to more blood test appointments on my own. On the 4th day the HCG levels were no longer showing up as a pregnancy. I sobbed so hard. How can this be happening? Why do we have to go through this by ourselves during a pandemic?
The doctor let me have a photo of my scan as some comfort, but for the next 4 weeks I just lost who I was. I didn’t eat, didn’t look after myself and didn’t realise until now how worried everyone was about me.
4 weeks later I felt unwell, but it felt like growing pains. Surely not? The bloods had shown I had no HCG. I took a test. I took about 5 more. I was pregnant again!
Almost 1 year on and I have a beautiful baby girl, my little rainbow baby ❤
The whole pregnancy I was filled with worry and fear, until she was here. But now my little boy has his little sister!
There is still that part of me that always wonders ‘what if?’. I still can’t discuss it without getting upset or anxious, but time heals and it’s getting better. And we have our little boy, our baby girl and our baby who just came too early 💔