I found out that we were pregnant at the end of August. We waited patiently for our first appointment in September. We had lost a baby several years prior, so knowing the statistics of 1 in 4 will end in loss, we felt pretty good about this pregnancy. I had been feeling a bit nauseous – while it’s uncomfortable and annoying it’s also a bit comforting because you know that your hormone levels are increasing right along.
Finally our appointment had arrived on 9/22. My cousin actually uses the same doctor and was scheduled to have her baby via c-section that morning. We thought – how cool is it for her to have her baby the same day that we get to see ours the first time?!
We went back for our ultrasound, and the tech was having troubles finding the baby. Immediately, tears came to my eyes thinking we had lost another one. After what felt like 30 minutes, she found our baby. My first question was – does it have a heartbeat? She took measurements, and yes the baby had a heartbeat! But something in her eyes told me something was wrong. She left the room, and our doctor appeared shortly to inform us that the baby was actually 9 weeks along and unfortunately was ectopic.
She explained that while it had a heartbeat – it wasn’t a sustainable pregnancy. I was in grave danger and needed surgery either today or right away in the morning to remove the baby and my right tube. Due to the size of the baby she wasn’t willing to treat it with medication for fear it would rupture prior to the medication working.
What went from a much anticipated and joyous day turned into our worst nightmare. The trip home was a complete blur, as were the following hours and days. I’ve never cried so much and didn’t want to leave my bed for days. The pain of losing a child, the guilt from ending a life we so wanted, and the grief my entire family endured – I would never wish upon anyone.
I’m here today in a better place mentally and emotionally, but still mourn the loss of what should have been our baby. We should be coming up on a 1st year birthday, but instead I’ll choose to pay forward a random act of kindness that day, in memory of my sweet babe on 5/16.