I had a miscarriage in 2019. Though the pain is still there I feel like I am strong enough to share.
I have a 5 year old now. My daughter was 2 when I had my miscarriage. I when I first got the positive test I was so happy, I was over the moon. My daughter would kiss my belly every day when she woke up. Though she was only 2 she was very excited about being a big sister.
Fast forward, me and my husband went for our first scan. No heartbeat. The doctor stated that maybe we had come in too early. He told us to wait two weeks and come back. I thought maybe he was right. I stayed positive. In my mind I thought ‘yes, maybe I miscalculated and I came in too early’.
I went back two weeks later. This time I saw the doctor who was my doctor for my daughter’s pregnancy. First she tried the external ultrasound and said ‘the baby is too small, let’s try the vaginal ultrasound’. She tried the vaginal ultrasound. No heartbeat. In my head I thought ‘yes, I came early again’, but was scared. The doctor told me to come back again in one week. I asked the doctor want would happen if there was no heartbeat. She told me I would have two options – to take medication to help remove the pregnancy or to go for surgery. I cried because I could not believe it. She told me not to think of it, but to think positively.
I prayed to God and Mother Mary to please give my baby growing within me a heartbeat. To show some form of life. I talked to the baby every day day saying ‘you have to show the doctor that you are still there’. I did not sleep for that week. I cried every day because I did not want to lose the baby.
Fast forward one week later. The doctor brings the vaginal ultrasound and still no heartbeat. I let out a cry. I had my dad there waiting for me, because he is my lucky charm. Whenever he comes with me only positive things happen. My doctor came out and told my dad I had a missed miscarriage. I cried and cried and cried. I could not help myself. I did not know what to do but cry. I was speechless.
The doctor told me surgery would be best, a D&C, since the baby was big. I told her I wanted it scheduled as soon as possible since it was so painful carrying a fetus that had passed away in my womb. I had the procedure done on a Wednesday.
My baby would be 2 right now. Sometimes I still cry on my way home from work thinking about my loss. Thinking about what my baby would be like. Was it a boy or a girl? Would the baby get along with my daughter?
I pray that someday I will have a healthy baby. Boy or girl. A friend for my daughter so she will not need to grow up alone. Someone for her to lean on, someone to share secrets with, someone to bond with. That’s all I want in life.
A priest told me that my child is with Mother Mary so I should not be sad. My child is an angel now. My grandpa passed away around the same time I got pregnant. Maybe he wanted a friend in heaven with him. I know my baby is in good hands in heaven with my grandpa and Mother Mary. This lessens some of the pain I have.