My story of a missed miscarriage and learning that a miscarriage is not a single event.
Over the course of this week I have spent time reading other people’s stories on the Miscarriage Association’s website, which is helping me to feel less alone. I have decided I would like to share my story to help me grieve and process what has happened.
Finding out I was pregnant was such a joy for me after always dreaming of becoming a Mum. Equally my partner had wanted a child for a long time. We were over the moon.
For those reading this remember to always have hope. Before I found out our baby had gone I read endless amounts of success stories of women who had bleeding throughout their pregnancies, but sadly I was one of the unlucky ones.
I began with a small light bleed at around 6 weeks and went for a reassurance scan where we saw the baby’s heartbeat. I wasn’t feeling reassured myself though, due to the baby measuring smaller than I had expected.
Everyone was telling me to be positive which I tried so hard to do, but in my heart I knew something was wrong. The following week was a rollercoaster for me and I never imagined what was to come.
Six days later I had more bleeding and went to my local Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU), again the baby’s heart was beating, but still measuring smaller than I expected. The nurses had positivity and so did everyone around me.
Over the coming days my anxiety became uncontrollable and the bleeding didn’t calm down. The EPAU asked me to come back if things didn’t settle but I couldn’t be seen as quickly as I wanted. At this point I went with my Mum for a private scan as I couldn’t get through another day.
During the scan I instantly saw my baby and I said to my Mum, “there is no heartbeat anymore”. My nightmare became reality and it was confirmed that the baby had died. Seeing it laying there asleep inside of me was something I may never get over.
I returned to the EPAU the following day and they confirmed the baby had died measuring 6 weeks 5 days, although I should have been 8 weeks pregnant. The nurse could not give me an explanation but called it a ‘missed miscarriage’. I discussed my treatment options and we decided to have the medicine to help move things along faster. I felt that I needed the baby out to feel better, but it was only when it was over that the true sadness began.
I went home and my partner and I waited. 24 hours later I passed what I think was the baby and I thought – that it was easy, it’s over, why have I not experienced much pain or bleeding? I felt oddly disappointed because I wanted it to hurt and I didn’t want it to be that easy. I had lost my baby so I wanted the miscarriage to seem real, which it didn’t.
A few hours later it all changed and that day was physically painful with heavy bleeding that was quite scary. It was real.
After things had physically calmed down the true sadness began. I cried and cried missing the baby that I carried for a short time. I am unsure when I will want to try again as I just want the baby that I lost.
For all those that have lost a baby, no matter what stage, it truly is so painful. All I can say is to have hope for the future and do everything possible to look after yourself.
It is very raw for me but writing this has helped me. I have taken time off work, I am resting, I will go out if I want to, I will stay in if I want to. I am also going to look at my scan pictures and cry if I want to.
I want to thank my family, friends and workplace for supporting me more than I could have ever asked for. The messages of kindness from people has been very comforting.
I particularly wanted to thank my boyfriend Callum for being there for me when he is so sad himself. Lastly, the nurses at Leicester Royal Infirmary, even though they see this every day they still showed huge remorse and made me feel important.
This year… I am hoping we will have our second baby growing healthily, but I will never forget our first.