The 19th of March 2022 was the day I miscarried a much wanted and hoped for baby, at 9 weeks.
In the weeks leading up to this day, I had some spotting which I had been told sometimes happened and not to immediately be alarmed. I’d had two internal scans nonetheless, to check the ‘viability’ of the pregnancy and was so relieved to see the little one on the screen. It suddenly made things very real.
Although it was early days, my partner and I allowed ourselves to get excited, told only very close family and even discussed names that we liked.
On the day of my miscarriage, I was actually alone at home. My partner was out with his friends for the day which had been planned for a while. I hadn’t felt 100% that morning and then later, had what I could only describe as period-type pains. It became excruciating and then the bleeding. I rang 111 and had to wait a couple of hours for a doctor to ring me to tell me quite coldly, that it was likely I was experiencing a miscarriage.
I went to the toilet and the blood was like a waterfall, it wouldn’t stop. I screamed and hoped that someone would come and check on me, but we live in a quiet street and no one could hear me. I’ll forever have the image of what I saw, when my bleeding happened. It hurts even now to think about it, and I’ve never really spoken about it before – it hurts too much.
I didn’t have the best support from my GP either. On the Friday before, I’d had my first midwife appointment. I didn’t even get a phone call checking up on me, despite calling them to tell them what had happened. I even had to go in and tell them again, as about 2 weeks later I received an appointment letter for my 12 week scan which was completely heart-breaking.
I’d only been with my employer for a month, before miscarrying. I told only my line manager and took 2 days off work that week. To this day, no one knows what happened last year.
We’re still TTC and haven’t fallen pregnant yet but, I am hopeful. I’m almost 38 so time feels like it’s not on my side and with my miscarriage anniversary falling on mothers day this year, it felt like an even more painful reminder of what I could have had.
I will always have hope but my heart is still so heavy from my experience. I know that when I fall pregnant again, it will be fraught with anxiety and I perhaps won’t allow myself to feel happy, until they arrive safely. But, I have a wonderful partner, family and friends who will support me through everything and for that I am grateful.
“Hope is being able to see that there is light, despite all of the darkness…”