Following the birth of our first daughter in September 2021 we had decided to start trying for another baby after our friends wedding in July. Much to our surprise, I was already pregnant!
My husband was over the moon, however, I wasn’t the happiest at this point as I just didn’t feel ready. We had only just decided to start trying and after only 10 months of our daughter being here, I was selfishly looking forward to a night of drinking, just me and my husband with our friends.
I calculated the due date for this baby at around 9 March so started planning what our lives would look like from that point. Could I save up enough money to keep me going through maternity leave? Could we cope with 2 under 2? Etc. etc.
A few days before my booking appointment I noticed a small blood clot when going to the toilet. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit and they booked me in for the following day. Somehow I managed to get through the rest of my work day and went home devastated. I just knew.
My husband tried to keep me calm and told me that loads of people bleed during pregnancy, he was sure everything was fine. The bleeding then continued to get heavier. The next day we went to the EPU and the miscarriage was confirmed. My pregnancy was not viable. But because there was no previous scan I’d have to come back in 2 weeks to confirm.
Like any other mum I blamed myself the entire time – I didn’t want this baby so the world gave me what I wanted. Although. I did. I did want this baby. I just didn’t know it straight away.
My husband and I decided to take some time off work to spend some special days with our daughter. It took a lot to be present for her as she was a reminder of what I was missing out on. It sounds silly now because I saw her every day but it reminded me of the silly little plans that were in my head. I was only around 5/6 weeks pregnant but you still plan your life as soon as you find out.
We planned to start trying again a few months later, my hope was to be pregnant by my original due date. Again we managed to get pregnant fairly quickly. Which I know will be annoying to some people. I was so happy to know that I wouldn’t have to go through my March due date without a second baby. It strangely worked out that I would have my 20 week scan around the time of my due date and this baby would have been due around the time I lost our last baby. Somehow this calmed me even more.
This time I made it to my booking appointment, where it was clear that my feelings were still quite raw following the first loss. A couple of days later we went for a private early scan for peace of mind and much to our delight our little baby, no bigger than a little fleck, had a heartbeat! My shoulders instantly dropped – but this didn’t stop me checking the toilet paper every time I used the bathroom…
The day before my dating scan I started spotting. (This was Christmas week – and normally I LOVE Christmas). Again a call to the EPU but as it was only a small amount they told me to stick with my normal scan time unless the bleeding became worse.
More googling (silly me) showed that once a heartbeat has been detected the baby has a higher chance of survival. Unfortunately the dating scan came and the sonographer couldn’t see the baby. We went for an internal scan which showed the baby at around 6 weeks with no heartbeat. As soon as she said she needed to do an internal scan I knew something was wrong. My calculations showed I should have been around 10 weeks and the early scan put us at 7 weeks. Because we’d had a private scan the hospital needed to book me in for a second scan to confirm.
It was heart wrenching. Our baby had stopped growing. But again I blamed myself. This time blaming myself helped me grieve. Although I was being told off by my husband constantly. I told him it was definitely my fault. I’d had too much caffeine. And my pre-natal vitamins didn’t have vitamin D, only folic acid so I clearly hadn’t done everything I could to look after this baby! It was my fault….
Following the second scan I was given options on how to manage this missed miscarriage. My husband talked me round to wait and see what happened. As this was a missed miscarriage my body probably just needed more time to heal. During the next week or so the bleeding got heavier and on my husband’s birthday (the day before mine – New Year’s Eve) I started to pass clots the size of my fist. It felt like I was in labour each time one passed.
My husband dropped our little girl off at her grandparents and rushed me to the hospital all while calling the EPU to warn them we were on our way. The hospital weren’t very concerned at the amount of blood I was losing until I started to go faint and my husband complained. I really felt for the hospital staff. They were understaffed. It was the Christmas period. But I was seriously unwell. I just kept saying to my husband I’d rather the gynaecologist be with women who can take babies home than be with me who knows I’ve already lost my baby.
I was eventually seen by the gynaecologist and she recommended that I have the medical management. However I was not provided with any pain relief so ended up in the worst pain for the next couple of hours, fighting to receive pain meds. I was kept in overnight for monitoring and went home the next day as my bleeding had slowed. Until that point we weren’t sure I was going to come home.
I thought it was all over but then the bleeding started becoming heavier again. Turns out I still had ‘retained product’ so I ended up with surgical management (D&C). I wish I’d have taken this option first. It was over so much quicker and the team were so caring and really looked after me. A big difference to how I felt from the previous visit.
It’s all over now and I have come out the other side feeling much less like it’s my fault. There are still low times. Like when my colleagues had babies around my due date which was upsetting – although I was still incredibly happy for them.
I’m so thankful to the Miscarriage Association. I didn’t have the confidence to call them but the material online, including everyone’s stories really helped me. I have decided not to pressure myself to be pregnant by my next due date and to enjoy life with my little girl and husband.
This year I will… Light a candle in October for my lost babies. I kept myself busy in March with work to distract me from my feelings for that day and in July I will plan a nice day out with my daughter – although it’s a weekday so will need to use some leave! All worth it though. I’m planning to take each day at a time and to live like my 18 month old – seeing the world through new eyes and not bottling my feelings.